Jacqui Gruttadauria did something smart, something effective
communicators frequently do.  When she heard something that affected her
adversely she resisted the temptation to become indignant.  Instead she
asked herself, '"Why would a reasonable and decent person do what this
person did?" and gave a fellow human being the benefit of the doubt.
 She thereby lowered her own level of distress.  It's easier to think
clearly when we are not upset.

Much of how we react when something affects us negatively depends on the
story we tell ourselves about why it happened.  For example, if someone
we trust fails to meet us for an appointment, we ask, "Did something
happen to her? Is she OK?" but if someone we have difficulty dealing
with fails to show up we are more likely to tell ourselves, "Oh, I was a
fool to depend on her.  She's unreliable."

Someone hurts us; we get angry.  It happens in a split second, so fast
that it is hard to realize we have told ourselves a story about WHY it
happened.  If there is any history of poor relationship in the past,
that story is likely to be one of malelicious intent.  When we realize
that we are making assumptions about the other person's motivation, that
it might be quite innocent, and that, in any case, we don't know what
goes on in another's heart, then it is easier to avoid a heated
reaction.  When we are not upset ourselves, we are much more likely to
be able to ask the other person what is going on rather than putting
that person on the defensive with a "How could you do that!" type
response.  If a person feels under attack, they are likely to stop
listening to us in order to defend themselves.

Much of what I have written above comes from Crucial Conversations, a
business management book by Kerry Patterson, et al.  They have a good
deal of free material available on their website,
www.crucialconversations.com.  If you are wondering why business
management people would be so interested in effective communication,
read "Don't Feed the Hog" on that website.  I have found their insights
very helpful in my work with breastfeeding mothers and those who support
them (to tie this to topic).  I do not have any commercial interest in this.

>Date:    Wed, 12 Nov 2003 10:34:02 EST
>From:    "Jacqui Gruttadauria." <[log in to unmask]>
>Subject: offended
>
>In a message dated 11/12/2003 12:05:03 AM Eastern Standard Time,
>[log in to unmask] writes:
>
>~~ One of them is an article about missing B1 in Israeli
>
>
>>> formula created by Germany (gee, think it could have been done on purpose?
>>> After all, the Germans were only trying to annihilate us 60 years ago! ).~~
>>
>>
>
>~~I am truly offended by these comments, as they are very inflammatory.
>Please
>keep in mind that Lactnet is truly an international email list.~~
>
>
>just a thought here, said in the spirit of our recent turmoil and ensuing
>resolve toward better communication. i also at 1st was a bit taken aback by the
>above quoted statement. but then it occured to me to wonder if it was perhaps
>said tongue in cheek in retaliation for some similarly obtuse or prejudiced
>statement the author of the article may have made. as i was not able to access
>the actual article to read what he said, i decided to give our fellow lactnetter
>the benefit of the doubt and assume it was something she said in response to
>something i am not privy to. had the issue continued to bother me, i think i
>then would have emailed her offlist to ask for clarification and express my
>discomfort with her statement. anyway, just trying to offer some possible
>alternatives as someone who often types 1st and thinks later and is trying to work on
>that!
>~jacqui gruttadauria~
>

--
Alice Martino Roddy
Communication Skills Instructor
[log in to unmask]
"I did the best I knew at the time and if I'd known better, I'd have done better." -Ruth Tait


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