>
>
>Every process is built from many steps, and =
>most processes have slightly different endpoints.  The necessary steps, =
>the desired steps, the most important steps are never the same for =
>everyone, and we need to make sure we use the steps and reach the =
>endpoint that fit the mother, not the steps and endpoint that make the =
>most sense to us.  And we need to recognize the adjustment time that's =
>needed if a mother changes her values.
>
Thank you so much for sharing this, Diane. Indeed, the lesson is a 
powerful one. I'll keep reminding myself that as well as "meeting the 
mother where she is" I also need to "find out exactly where she wants to 
go" and work with these things in mind.
Sometimes we're so intent on persuading someone to go to that good place 
of our ideals that we forget this.

At other times, though, as in the FTT baby you mentioned, the situation 
is complicated by a lack of recognition of the urgency of going some 
place different. Of course the mother didn't want this baby to starve -- 
that wasn't her endpoint or her ultimate goal. Perhaps she wanted to 
exclusively breastfeed, to feed her baby as much as he wanted, following 
his cues. And that created a dangerous situation. Sometimes there is a 
danger in holding on to a goal -- we may not be able to achieve it and 
feel we've failed (setting unrealistic goals); we might achieve it early 
and be dissatisfied or unmotivated (setting low expectations due to low 
confidence); it might turn out to be not such a good goal after all (the 
"be careful what you wish for" phenomenon).

What if we were to let go of the "ultimacy" of "ultimate" goals? What if 
we were to see the intention as being part of the process, one of the 
tools, rather than an endpoint? In other words, we would view 
breastfeeding not as our ultimate goal, but as one of the steps towards 
strong relationships, or towards individual / family / community / world 
well-being (or, as I mentioned before, world peace), which may be a step 
towards something else even more far-reaching. We might then be more 
flexible about the methods and processes we use, more tuned in to the 
way things really are, right now, and less focussed on what they should 
or could be. Would we be more forthcoming with information, options and 
solutions and less adament about persuasion if we let go of some of the 
"in order to" thinking? (As in: "feed the baby with an SNS in order to 
breastfeed exclusively" -- the method is tied to the ultimate goal, 
which may or may not be possible or even sound). In any case, persuading 
people to do anything always worries me.

Sorry for the lack of clarity in this post. I'm starting to see the 
far-reaching implications of the "flexibility" of "ultimate" goals for 
my family. I guess my husband and I have a new agenda for our little 
daily "philosophy moment".

Jo-Anne

             ***********************************************

To temporarily stop your subscription: set lactnet nomail
To start it again: set lactnet mail (or digest)
To unsubscribe: unsubscribe lactnet
All commands go to [log in to unmask]

The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned
LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(R)
mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to:
http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html