In 1972 my angelic three-year-old was aggressive in nursery school, to the
extent that we were one of only two couples who were invited in for a session
with the consulting psychologist at the school.  (The other couple's kid was
still crying violently every morning when he was dropped off at school---and
this was several months after school had started.)

Looking back, I can see that there were lots of reasons for our daughter to
have trouble dealing with her anger, most of them based on being around her
parents who didn't handle their own anger at all well.  I can see now, too,
that she was too young to be in a five-day-a-week school program---whatever
the experts at the time claimed about the "benefits" of group care for little
kids.  However, neither of these ideas was explored during our counseling.
Instead, as soon as the teachers and the psychologist heard that she was
still nursing, they stopped looking for any other answers.  It was "obvious"
to them that nursing was making her confused about whether I wanted her to
grow up.  (...and why that should make her aggressive was not explained.)
They recommended that I wean her, and they were sure that would fix the
problem.  Luckily I had support from La Leche League that helped me ignore
their advice.  But as a result of this exchange, I lost confidence in them as
child development advisors; they wrote me off as wierd; and no one went on
trying to find the real reasons my daughter was having trouble, so no one
helped her learn to handle her anger in healthy ways.

I tell this long story to let you know that you can probably assume that your
day care workers don't have much understanding of the "older" nursing
relationship.  Unless they have nursed an older child, unless they have been
trained in counseling long-term nursing mothers, or unless they have worked
with many, many long-term nursing children, how could they be expected to
understand the dynamics of the situation?

My guess is that they were embarrassed/shocked by your son's attention to
their breasts.  (I wonder what they would have thought of a girl, not a boy,
showing the same behavior!)  My hunch is that your son, who loves them,
showed his love or his need for close contact in the way he's comfortable
doing with you.  He needs to learn not to reach under people's shirts just
the way kids have to learn not to bite people and not to hit or push people
or not to interrupt people or not to yell indoors and not to kiss people who
don't want to be kissed....etc., etc.  He's only two, for Pete's sake.  All
they need to do is to remove his hand and tell him "no."

I don't see any reason to coerce him away from nursing (which is what weaning
would be for a kid this age---he's too young for negotiation).  Instead I'd
give him lots of love and attention when you're with him.  For the aggressive
behavior, how about the time-honored mothering tool of prevention---making
sure he doesn't get too tired or hungry when he's with other kids, and
doesn't get into situations beyond his social skills.  From my vantage point
as the mother of two kids who've needed help with depression at various
stages in their lives, I'd also encourage you to help him learn to identify
and express his feelings.

Nursing is such a great mothering "tool" in the care of toddlers and
preschoolers.  Don't let anybody make you feel that it's bad.

Peace.   Chris Mulford

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