> How sad that many people seem to believe that working hard
> somehow detracts from what is achieved, and that an effortless life is
> the ultimate goal (when in fact it is a complete myth).
>
Brilliant insight! I personally believe that an effortless life is even
less worthwhile than an unexamined one, and my best friend is someone
who says, "If it isn't difficult, it probably isn't worth doing." We
don't make things easy for ourselves, I have noticed. :-)

However, it also explains why I *do* climb trees, as Diane has put it so
eloquently, and why I do not respond well to the approach of avoiding
holes. I don't like to stop doing things out of fear, especially since I
am so cautious I have to convince myself to take risks all the time. Nor
do I tell my children that if they don't eat something they will not be
healthy, or even not as healthy as they could be. I prefer using
positive language and telling my children they are special even when
they are doing developmentally-appropriate things. I wonder if we
shouldn't just stretch our empathy a little farther yet. (I respond to
challenges, remember.). For instance, I *think* I understand what the
person posting is feeling when she writes,

> the times i fall off the more compassionate side of the fence are those times
> i feel i HAVE been in their shoes.
>

but, in fact, my empathy needs to stretch because I haven't actually
been in this person's shoes, nor has the person writing been in the
mother's shoes. We haven't had the same feelings, the same people in our
life, the same baby. Maybe other people have thought, when reading a
parenting book, ok, come and live with this child for a day or two and
then I'll read your book... I think that right after "The mother is
always right" the second rule for counselling is "We don't know why she
is feeling this way, and have to work to feel it, too." When I feel I
wouldn't be overwhelmed in the same situation -- for instance if I read
your post and thought, "Well, you only had *one* baby to deal with, how
hard could that be?" I remind myself that I have felt overwhelmed in
other situations, and that it is this feeling I need to keep in my head.

It's hard to imagine all the possible ways of knowing that a mother can
have, all the different ways she can react to what we say... Maybe we
can do what I do when I am speaking a language I don't know well, and
say it three times with different structures.

And, speaking of language -- not myth, remember? Misconception, maybe.
But some would argue that a simple life is achievable, and that effort
is a sign of unnecessary encumbrances or psychic resistance to a clear
path, so that what some see as an impossible lack of effort could have
mythic power for another. We all see things differently.

Jo-Anne, wishing she didn't feel like the language police this week and
thinking of all of those who will be going to sleep after a very full
day ...


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