Hi Trish,
I'll give you a hip hooray and a whopping big thump on the back for your
courage as a mum! What a hard row you have had to hoe.
I'm actually in the process of collecting the experiences of mums that have
adopted children and attempted to teach them how to breastfeed. The oldest
successfully breastfed thus far is 4 years old so the answer to the first
question is of course yes, you can teach an older child to breastfeed but
it's more complicated than that as you would realise.

Maybe my story might help. My daughter was 3 years 4 months when adopted.
She had been in an orphanage since she was 3 months old and I have no idea
if she was breastfed in the time before she went to the orphanage. She
received good care in the orphanage but even good orphanage care is
intrinsically neglectful and I place her developmentally at more like a 2.5
year old. She couldn't run or jump or walk on uneven ground and lots of
other things you would expect a child of her age to be able to do. She also
could not suck on a bottle or anything when we got her. Had no idea what to
do with it. She also had to learn to trust me and the whole situation of
having someone who specially cared for her was brand new never mind a
different environment and language. She knew nothing about breastfeeding and
looked at me as if I were crazy when I first offered her the breast.

We took it very slowly. I  didn't have anything more than drops when we
wtarted and so I would express my daily drop from each breast and with a
little encouragement she would lick it off. Eventually I decided to get the
milk production happening and so she started getting my expressed milk from
a sippy cup (using a bottle was a disaster she couldn't suck it, but chewed
to get the milk out, I wondered what she would do to my nipple if ever it
was in her mouth). We co bathed and co slept and sometimes she would lick a
drop off my nipple. Then we read books that had breastfeeding in it (picture
and technical- Breastfeeding and Human Lactation was a favourite!) and some
nights she would have a lightening quick suck. Sometimes she looked as if
she would like to do more but then would draw away. (It sound similar to the
situation that you described with your son where he nearly did but then
realised what he was doing. It actually gave me a lot of hope when I saw my
daughter do that because I'd seen her do it before in a different situation.
It took her 2 weeks to give us a kiss but there were time when she nearly
did but I saw that change of mind in her eyes. I would take a lot of hope
from that situation with your son it sounds like you are close.) This went
on for weeks.

The breakthrough for us came after she started going to sleep at night in a
sling. She had had a lot of sleep problems (poor little thing- just imagine
what she had experienced in her life) and this had changed from 3 hours
crying with her to 15 minutes going for a walk in the sling. A few weeks
after the sling started doing the magic with the sleep I also started doing
something to promote attachment called "Holding time" There is a book by
someone called Martha Welch that describes it but basically it is holding
the child firmly but gently and letting them fight the hold until they give
in an decide it is safe to be in Mum's arms. The second night I tried this,
I put her in the sling for sleeping and she started sucking on my neck
(sounds similar to what your son was doing with his mouth). I laid her down
and she started breastfeeding to my absolute amazement (awful latch mind you
but I didn't care!) and breastfed to sleep. She has been breastfeeding most
nights since. She doesn't breastfeed during the day however, not at all
interested. I'm happy with the breastfeed at night. In our case
breastfeeding seems to be a guage of how well she is going in herself and in
her relationship with me. When things are good she breastfeeds for longer,
not so good- more of a token effort. It's such a nice feeling for me to have
her near in that way and I know that she is benefitting also.

Generally, she doesn't ask to breastfeed (sometines does) but I offer the
breast and tell her she is going to breastfeed and she does happily. The
other day she was breastfeeding in the sling when she unlatched and said to
me "Mum" and then said "milk" and gave me the thumbs up! Thumbs up is the
sign that we used for "good" for her before she could say it in English. She
thought it was hilarious and so did I! but I thought it was sweet as well.
Keep trying with your son, you truly sound so close to me. As for the OT who
says not to go backwards, I would have a different approach. To me it sounds
as if your son could have similar sorts of issues in some ways to kids that
have been institutionalised, with the attachment (arousal-cry-comfort) cycle
being disrupted not due to lack of caregivers but because of pain. If this
is the case he *needs* to go back and redo it. Learning to get comfort in
this way from you would be wonderful. I have hope that my daughter might
learn that the breast can confer comfort also, we're not there yet. I can
sympathise with the struggle of not knowing how hard to try and thinking it
was never going to happen. I thought this too. It amazed me when it did
happen so suddenly.

I hope this is helpful. With my study I am still collecting experiences and
so don't have a huge number to draw from but what I can say is that patience
and persistence are common threads in those who were successful in weaning
their child to the breast.

Karleen Gribble
Australia

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