I have been interested in maternal attachment since I started as a labor and delivery nurse 20 years ago. Being childless at the time and longing with all my heart for a newborn, I was mystified by the mothers who immediately after giving birth, when presented with what felt to me to be the precious miracle of their newborn would say "Take it (not him or her) to the nursery." Along with heartache, I would feel rage. You don't deserve this baby I  would think. Let me take the baby home, I will love this baby for you. I know there will be people on this list who will say that this behavior was caused by the trauma of a hospital birth. But these babies were sometimes third and fourth babies, born in birthing rooms with no time for medication and placed immediately in their mothers arms and I think that the issues run deeper. Perhaps the circumstances of the birth were not as ideal as a homebirth might be in fostering bonding, but I feel that maternal attachment in all its many forms is only partly attributable to the method of birth. There were formula feeding mothers who had had c-sections who immediately bonded with their babies in ways that brought tears to my eyes and theirs.

All of us on this list have chosen the jobs we did, because of an inate attraction to the whole idea of motherhood. We have devoted our lives to helping newborns blossom. It is often hard for me to remember that many women out there do not have the same feelings that I do. They are clueless about motherhood and babies. The lucky ones will be delighted by how much they enjoy the process of parenting a newborn. But by this point in my career I have seen enough and read enough to know that I don't have to feel such despair for the baby who has to wait for his or her mother to fall in love. That process for some women takes months and in the interim, she needs support.

I think humans were not meant to raise their children in the isolation that is common in the United States. For the mother who is overwhelmed at the prospect of holding her baby for five more minutes, there is often no granny or auntie or friend to hold that baby for her. It makes me sad that we have lonely old women shut up in their apartments who would love nothing more than to cuddle a tiny newborn and no way to connect them to that lonely overwhelmed mother who feels that she can't hold  that baby one more minute. In the meantime we have all these gadgets to help that mother in the place of human contact. The swings, the swaddlers, the vibrating bouncy seats etc etc. If she just doesn't know that her baby needs to be held then it is our job to teach her. But if she knows it and can't do it, it is our job to support her.

Kathy Lilleskov RN IBCLC

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