I'm disgusted by where this conversation has gone. I'd like to state
for the record that I never, not even once, "put up" or "shut up" when
faced with the status quo that did not allow me to breastfeed my
baby. Rather, I kicked and screamed and even sought legal counsel
when I needed to in order that I did not have to jeopardize the
breastfeeding relationships I had/have with my three children.
I did not accept the 6-week convalescent leave that is granted to
mothers after they give birth. But please note that I also did not
try to break the law (and yes, in the military, we are held to a
completely separate standard of conduct called the Uniform Code of
Military Justice). Rather, I cleared with my chain of command an
extended leave ... I saved up, for several years, regular leave time
that I was authorized to take. I went back to work when my babies
were 3 months old (taking 42 days of accrued personal leave in
addition to the 42 days that was given me as convalescence).
My babies were on-site with me more often than not. I took it upon
myself to do a lot of work from home in my babies' earliest months so
that I could minimize the separations from them both in length and
frequency. Did my chain of command suggest this? No way. Did they
stop me? Well, when they tried, I more or less dared them to find the
holes in my productivity -- to find where our mission had been
compromised by my location of work. When they couldn't, they left me
alone.
I timed my pregnancies so that my babies would be taking solid food on
the two occasions during the year I knew I would be separated,
unavoidably, for 6 hours at one time. Yes. I planned my pregnancies
around the annual Army-Navy football game and Cadet Graduation. I'm
as sickened by this as you might be.
Are my children "just fine?" No way. They're 7, 5, and 2 now and all
still beg me to stay home when I work and they're not in school.
They've had live-in caregivers, which was the best we could do ... but
still not mother, or even father. They've traveled more than many
adults I know, all over the country. They play "airline" and "hotel"
when they play. Oh, sometimes my 7-year old likes to play "La Leche
League" and my 5-year old, a boy, is rather upset that men are not
allowed to be La Leche League Leaders. He believes he needs to do his
part to help mommies breastfeed their babies because it's obviously an
important thing ... his mommy does it.
Their mother struggles on a daily basis, trying to give those children
every single thing they need -- sometimes with support, sometimes
without it. It's been that way since the oldest was born. Their
mother is unhealthy and largely unsupported because most of the people
around her still do not understand the concept that BREASTFEEDING
didn't deplete her, trying to squeeze in a full-time job AROUND
mothering did. Do I recommend this for anyone? Not on your life.
I've successfully counseled one very talented woman to leave our job
and mother her baby full-time. Her husband supports her in this,
thankfully, and she is so relieved to be separating honorably from the
Army in a few months. In the meantime, her needs are protected ...
her baby is frequently on-site with us, and our unit has come to
rather expect that when I woman gives birth, her baby (and a
caregiver) will be a regular at concerts and events for a few years.
The people who coordinate our events don't have to be reminded anymore
that there is a nursing mother and an extra green room backstage would
be really helpful ... and they know that if there is no clean,
private, non-bathroom space with an electrical outlet on site, the
nursing mother has to be left off the job. Luckily, we nursing moms
were left off very few jobs once I made clear to whomever had
questions that not expressing milk was a medical situation, not a
matter of personal preference.
We've engaged the medical professionals who serve our community and
I've done my best to educate them -- when a mother on active duty
presents with developing mastitis, she's given 72 hours sick-in-
quarters and told to go home and rest with her baby. She's not
charged leave, or charged "sick days."
In my corner of the world, we are not barbaric. We are doing the best
we can with the circumstances we have been dealt. We are changing
attitudes: in my unit, which is a permanent duty station, it is
expected now that mothers will breastfeed their babies ... 7 years
ago, it was still seen as a "personal choice." I see this as a major
change for the better.
I didn't get what I wanted. I got a situation I had no way out of. I
had to do the best I could. I recognize that it was not ideal. I
lost ground in my career that I will never make up ... but you can
keep all that. I mourn, daily, the loss of the complete mothering
relationship I knew was best for my babies. I'll never make up that
ground. I'll never get that time back. The pension I'll get won't
resolve my deep sadness. The healthcare I will have for life won't
bring back my 12-week old baby's security on the day her mamma left
her for the first time. My marriage is in tatters.
So I keep telling my story, and I keep supporting mothers, wherever
they are. I keep trying to make changes to the system. I plan to get
(on the military dime, by the way) a Master's Degree in Public Health
before I retire. I'd like to work in public policy formation and
change. I believe change is possible, and I believe it is necessary
if we are to be a society that survives. I know that I am unique in
what I have done and how I have done it ... but by golly I will not
sit here while anyone accuses me of depriving my children of a basic
human right. I continue to piss people off and cause my own health to
suffer in fulfilling the obligation I have to my service while meeting
the needs of my children. Please pay close attention to how I have
worded that last sentence. The needs of my children come first. I
toe a very fine line because of this ... but I have learned to do so
in such a way that my part of my unit's mission is not compromised.
That means I've sometimes taken a smaller part even when a bigger one
was a better fit for my skills. That means I've done things at 11
p.m. when my babies were all asleep and really, I should have been,
too. That means I've spent insane amounts of money we really didn't
have in order to bring my children and their caregiver on a 5-day tour
of Montana because that's where my commander wanted to do a few
concerts. That means I've gone toe to toe with men twice my weight
and a good 15 inches taller than I am in defense of my rights to
mother the children the Army allows me to have and continue to serve.
It bears mentioning that 25 years ago, my unit witnessed the birth of
its first baby born to a mother enlisted on active duty. She is
retiring next month after 30 years of service. He was her only child
because she was harassed and downright abused for having had a child.
She breastfed him for 7 months back in 1985. My babies have nursed
until they were done, a bit shy of age 4 ... one is still nursing.
Change is happening before our eyes. The system still stinks, but
slowly, it will change. It has to.
You can continue to bash at me, or we can offer each other a hand
up ... I know I sure could use one, and I never can hear enough that
what I'm doing is relevant. Some days, that "thank you" or "you've
inspired me to ... " is all I've got.
Respectfully,
Diana Cassar-Uhl
mother of 3, IBCLC, Sergeant First Class/Clarinetist on Active Duty in
the U.S. Army, LLLL who was accredited because I recognized the
importance of a baby's need for his mother, and met the "mothering
experience prerequisite" by taking every possible action to minimize
the impact and frequency of separations on my babies ... and even
after all I've done, I still believe it will never be enough.
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