On dealing with moms, I think it is something we can learn to do, if we
learn to listen and also to listen to our 'gut' response. There have
just been times that I've had that 'feeling' that I was missing
something and I try then to ask the questions to get closer to the
truth. Having said that, I do know it is hard and sometimes impossible
for a mom to open up with what is really bothering her. I know
personally, it was years after I left my first husband, that I actually
said "I was a battered wife," the first time out loud.

Our society still has preconceptions and misconceptions about certain
things (we all know about the breastfeeding ones!) and those of us going
through some things are wary of exposing ourselves to those.

I wish that it was as easy for us to state that - I am (abused, was
sexually molested, depressed, an alcholic etc) - as it is to say I have
to wear glasses, or have arthritis - but unfortunately, it still is not
so in all places and situations. Add to that HCPs who don't factor in
these 'silent' conditions when dealing with new moms, and it no wonder
we see the breastfeeding problems we do.

I just had my first dealings with a mom, I feel was sexually molested. I
could not understand why she would not even look at me, nor tell me why
the baby was given EBM by bottle rather than atttempting to breastfeed.
It was not until after sitting back and assessing the conversation and
her refusal to talk, even by phone, that the thought hit me, that I
might be dealing with such a mom. The next encounter, I focused only on
the baby, how wonderful she looked, how she had grown, how alert she was
becoming - not a mention on still pumping, bottle feeding or even
mentioning that I was available for help or concerns. At the end of the
conversation, the mom thanked me and then sought me out later for
further conversation. She did come to a meeting that month too. I later
confirmed through other leaders that she was indeed very closed off and
scared of attempting to nurse in public, which reasured me, that my
initial gut feeling had been right. So because I backed off, baby is
thriving and still receiving breastmilk and mom feels more comfortable
around me and our group. To me this is a success, and that is what I
work for.

It is hard to meet moms when their paths and choices are not what we
feel are right. But perhaps helping them where they are will enable them
to do more the next time, feel better about themselves and their
mothering and perhaps even speak well of us to their friends and family.
Who knows where it will go from there.

Today I also got a reminder of just how far our helping can go. A nicely
dressed middle-aged woman walked up to me and just went into a
conversation (asking how I was and so nice to see me), obviously my look
was 'who are you?' and she asked if I remembered   -- -? This was her
daughter and several years ago, I went to her home to help her get her
son nursing. Now Grandma who works in the Family Advocacy Program
(Army's child and family service) tells the moms about us and how we
helped her daughter and the good things we can do. You just never know
who and where you are reaching when you meet moms where they are.

Leslie Ward
Vine Grove, KY - speaking of sleep deprivation, try adjusting to a grown
child home from Japan who is still on Japan time and keeping our house
rocking at 2AM - it doesn't end when they grow beyond nursing.