>
Hi all,I've returned from a few months of nomail. I've been trying to
stay up-to-date by reading the archives.
I suspect No one on this list would feel professionally offended by the
below parodied article about breastfeeding.
I received the advance article in my email box from "The Compleat
Mother" with permission to pass it along freely.
Ruth Callahan
Postpartum Doula web page http://www.webspan.net/~callahan
New York, New York
> From The Compleat Mother, October 97 issue,
> RR#3 Clifford, Ontario Canada N0G 1M0
> 519-327-8785
> email : [log in to unmask]
>
> The Thing
> by Janis Honea
>
> On another planet, a young man was preparing for his first sexual
> encounter. He was nervous,
> since he had never spoken to anyone who had ever done it
> successfully. He decided to ask
> some of his friends about their experiences.
> "I really wanted to!" exclaimed one, but my doctor said my penis
> was too small."
> "Really!" interrupted another. "My doctor said mine was too
> large!"
> "I wanted to too, but it turns out I didn't have enough to satisfy
> her." said another.
> "I never wanted to! Its so gross! I'd feel like an animal or
> something. I know they say that
> penis is best, but all mine were artificially aroused and they were
> happy and satisfied," said
> the oldest in the group.
> "Haven't you been divorced seven times?" asked the young man.
> "Yes, but that had nothing to do with it." he said.
> "I hear you need to toughen it up before you do it. You know,
> scrub it with a loofah or
> something." said one friend.
> "And you can't let her go for any longer than a couple of
> minutes at first, or you'll get sore."
> "My cousin said it was incredibly painful. He penis cracked
> and bled. He only lasted a
> couple of days. Thank God we have alternatives today," said the
> friend who was "too small."
> "I have a friend who did it," said one, almost whispering. "It
> seemed like a lot of work to
> me. Every time I talked to him it seemed like he had just finished or
> was just about to make
> love to his wife. I told him surely she was not being satisfied or
> she wouldn't be wanting it
> again so soon. I told him he needed to supplement with a vibrator.
> He wouldn't go for it."
> "Well, I really think I want to try." said the young man.
> "Good for you!" said his "too big" friend. "But be sure you
> get her on a schedule or she
> will manipulate you."
> The young man was so confused as he left he decided to ask his
> physician about it.
> "I understand your concern." said his doctor, placing a hand on
> his shoulder. A lot of
> men, especially our first timers are unable to meet their women's
> needs with their penises.
> Taking classes, reading books, doesn't seem to help. Despite all
> their best efforts, many men
> just can't. Its called insufficient penis syndrome. I know you want
> to try, and I think that is
> great, but let me send you home with this vibrator just in case.
> Look, its bent, or angled to
> insure that you do her in a semi-upright position."
>
> The young man gratefully took the vibrator home and thought about
> all the things he had
> heard. When the time finally came he was determined to do it
> naturally.
>
> He was excited and nervous. He tried to do everything right.
> He watched the clock
> and stopped after exactly the prescribed period of time. The event
> was a humiliating failure.
> His woman was frustrated and upset. He couldn't understand it. He
> had done everything
> he was told to do.
>
> His honey told him she loved him and that his touch was
> sufficient, and together they
> would learn to get it right, but the next time she seemed interested
> he thought, "Just this
> once I'll use the vibrator. I can't stand the thought of her going
> unsatisfied.
>
> No one had warned him of the danger of penis confusion. Soon she
> developed a preference
> for the vibrator and rejected the penis altogether. In a way, he
> preferred it too. If he needed
> to get away sometimes, anyone could satisfy her. And though he heard
> he should hold her
> every time to promote bonding, it got easier and easier to prop her in
> the corner with the
> vibrator while he went about doing his chores.
>
> It was important for him to keep busy. If allowed time to feel,
> he always felt vaguely
> cheated and sad. Being a lover was not at all what he had hoped. He
> wanted to get away
> from his wife. He resented her demands and felt inadequate to meet
> her needs. The
> closeness that he longed for never developed.
>
> One day he got up the courage to ask his friend for the phone
> number of the man he
> knew who "did it." Hi," said the young man. "I got your number
> from a friend. I would
> like some information on lovemaking. I wasn't able to with my first
> love and if I ever have
> another, I really want to make love to her myself."
>
> "How old is your relationship?" asked the man on the phone.
> "Just a few months," said the young man sadly.
> "Would you like to make love to your wife now? Its not too late!"
> said the man.
> "Do you really think I could?" asked the young man. He felt
> hopeful for the first time in
> ages. They talked for some time and the man invited him to a La Cosa
> League meeting.
> (La Cosa is Spanish for The Thing, and slang for penis.) La Cosa
> League was a group
> dedicated to providing support and information to men who wanted to
> make love to their
> women. He was amazed at how many men were doing it and was
> encouraged by men
> who had overcome many obstacles to successfully satisfy their wives.
> "What do I need to do?" the young man asked, wide-eyed and
> determined.
> "The first thing you need to do, is get rid of the vibrator.
> The young man did not know
> how to respond. A rock of nerves formed in the pit of his stomach.
> "I couldn't possibly..."
> "Now your woman may object a bit, but persevere. She will
> quickly become accustomed
> to the feel of your body."
> "What if I can't satisfy her?" the young man asked.
> The leader assured him that even if it took a while, with
> practice he should have no trouble.
> "Well, how often, and for how long?"
> "Take your cues from her," responded one of the men. "Watch your
> wife, not the clock."
> His mind reeled as he drove home. He thought over all the things
> he had heard. How
> come no one had ever told him this before? It seemed so radical, but
> somehow it felt right.
> At first his woman was not interested at all in switching. She
> protested when he offered
> her the penis. Refused it cold. But with patience and persistence
> she eventually accepted it.
> He was amazed that once she took it, she did not seem to want to let
> go. He had never been
> so elated in his whole life. He had done it! He had made love to
> his wife! With his own body!
> The next time his wife requested the vibrator he gently and
> lovingly offered the penis again.
> She fussed some but quickly accepted him. He was even more excited
> than the first time. He
> had worried then that it was a lucky fluke, but now he believed he
> really could do it. To his
> delight, his wife never asked for the vibrator again.
>
> The transformation in his attitude toward his wife was
> remarkable. He no longer resented
> midnight lovemaking sessions. He felt a bond with her like he had
> never known. He didn't
> want other people satisfying her, and he didn't want to get away. His
> attitude about himself
> also changed. He felt so confident and calm. He was not
> inadequate, and he was not
> replaceable. He hurt when he thought of all the men who didn't know
> what he knew. He felt
> even sorrier for their women. As he watched his wife thrive on his
> love alone his enthusiasm
> for lovemaking grew harder and harder to contain. One day while
> talking with his old friends
> someone brought up the latest advancement in vibrators. They
> blithely discussed the merits
> of the latest tool when he excitedly blurted, "We've thrown ours
> away."
>
> The room fell silent.
>
> "What?" asked the friend with the "too small" penis. "We've
> thrown the vibrator away"
> he said again.
> "Well what do you use then?" asked the friend with the "too
> large" penis.
> "I make love to her myself," he said.
> "Why would you want to go and do something like that?"
> "Doesn't it hurt?"
> "You'll be sorry."
> "Oh No! You haven't been hanging around with those fanatics
> from La Cosa League,
> have you?" asked his friend who "could not."
> "They aren't fanatics," the young man said calmly. "They gave
> me a lot of good
> information and I'm very happy with my decision.
> The men burst out laughing. "Next thing you know, he is going
> to stop shaving,"
> joked the divorced one.
> "Oh! Or letting her sleep in his bed." roared another.
> "You've really done it now," said the "too small" one,
> sobering up. "What are you going
> to do if you have to leave her for a while? And you'd better hope she
> doesn't start biting!"
> "Be prepared to give up your life. warned the divorced one.
> "Your brain is going to turn to oatmeal."
> The young man thought carefully about that and smiled to
> himself. He didn't feel like
> he was giving up anything, especially in the light of all he had
> gained.
> "You know," he said, "I think I like it as much as she does."
> "Boy, You really are a radical."
>
> Janice Honea lives in Carson City, Nevada
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