Darrilyn,

I can testify that it's not easy in this 21st century to separate out providing support from (perceived though loving) interference.  It's tough to change one's role as a knowledgeable helper while being a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a mother-in-law etc. while a mother tries to establish the boundaries of her own "territory" as a new mother. 


Role change can be stressful for all members of a new family. I once heard the family system compared to an old-fashioned clothesline: "It is impossible to pin up socks on one end of the line without the undies on the far end of that clothesline from shifting somehow as well." For some grandmothers etc. and young relatives, that doesn't seem to present a problem. But I find it has been important to "trust my gut" and know when to take another tack through someone else or another way. Sad, but true for me. I suspect that it's sometimes my own boundary issues I have to contain.


I have found it to be a tight-rope act more than once. Those young mothers didn't always "hear" and "perceive the meaning" of what I tried to say. I soon was able to see clearly that because of their boundaries, I would be unable to impart what I felt was crucially important, with either "hands-off" or "hands-on" care.  I have many times easily imparted the exact same such support, information and kind of care and found it gratefully accepted by perfect strangers who had come to me voluntarily for help at an agency (hospital or WIC). 


The suggestion to find an "unrelated" breastfeeding helper improved the outcome in several such situations in my family, but I can see that it was often a case of my wanting her to succeed at breastfeeding (as I know it) more than she wanted to invest in it as she currently knew it from her point of view as the one experiencing the pain and frustration. (I myself had "BTDT" with my first 3 children, so I knew how that felt too.) 


I ultimately decided in each case where I felt that body language and verbal cues were telling me that mom somehow felt threatened by my suggestions, that there was a limit beyond which my support would be perceived as "pushiness", and that my "lifelong significant-other hat" was more valuable to me than the "expert-provider-of-breastfeeding-knowledge hat." Ultimately, I found it more important to praise the dedication and patience she was putting into her efforts, for the sake of helping her preserve her own self-esteem as a mother.  


K. Jean Cotterman RNC-E, IBCLC
WIC Volunteer LC     Dayton OH 

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