Dear all:

In thinking about how reinforcing the negative can solidify and amplify a memory, one can also turn this around.  A negative experience can be turned into a positive when you point out ways in which mothers are doing a good job and ways in which they can overcome a difficulty.  I always tell mothers who have persevered through a challenging situation how much harder they have worked than mothers who have had an easy time of breastfeeding.  In essence, they did word harder --- EVEN IF they never get to someone's idea of perfect.  I think sometimes our modern world expects us to be perfect with no effort --- creating a sense of entitlement that everything should be hunky dory.  In fact, it can be far more satisfying to work through something difficult and have a sense of accomplishment that you did the hard thing.  This requires, however, a much more nuanced interpretation of "success" and pointing out the little tiny baby steps towards that "success".  So, when a mother is working hard, I usually can find some area that she has done well.  If the baby's suck swallow hasn't improved, maybe she was able to increase her supply -- and so that is the positive thing you can praise.  Perhaps the supply hasn't improved and neither has the baby's suck swallow, but the baby is much more comfortable while feeding at the breast -- and so that is the thing you can praise and reinforce.  There is always always something she is doing right --- even if there are those things that need improvement.

My son's Martial Arts Studio taught the black belt kids how to teach the younger kids.  They praise something that the kids do right - like picking up the right foot for a front kick, then challenge them to try harder on one very specific concrete thing -- like lifting your knee higher for a front kick, and then praise something again that the kids do right -- like showing lots of energy when kicking.  I think its a pretty good model for coaching in ways that gently improve, yet leave kids with a sense of accomplishment.  Moms need the same sort of positive and constructive reinforcement.

Best, Susan Burger 

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