<<In my 20 years as a professional (and longer with LLL) I have always tried hard with mothers who are  not able to breastfeed their babies to make them feel  that they are wonderful for having tried, (or considered it) and now they should move forward-not looking backward-and enjoy nurturing their babies and being a wonderful mother.  It is not my place to judge them, allowing myself to think that I might have done things differently, or better.  I assume that every mother does the best that she can.  And I remind mothers that when you do the best that you can, you've done a great job.>>

Ellen, I'm sure I understand what you mean, but the language police in me feels the need to mention that we can no more than "make" a mother feel good about her parenting choices than we can "make" them feel guilty about their parenting choices.

Sometimes reminding others of the choices they had to wade through to come to their decision is helpful.

A good friend of mine feels very guilty/inferior that she dropped out of nursing school. It's a frequent topic of conversation, which she talks about to me because there is nobody else in whom she can confide. We go through the same discussion each time this topic is approached: She had medical concerns, her husband was having difficulty at home, her grades were excellent, there was no question of her ability. She will remember that she made the best choice for herself, based on the best information/support she had at the time. Still, a number of months will go by, and she will return to the guilty/inferior state of mind. She has relatively poor self-esteem, and her "failure" to complete school weighs heavily on her mind. She really, really wanted to be a nurse, and she can hear her mother-in-law refer to her as a "failure." She bought into someone else's concept.

Even if moms have the best information, the best intentions, sometimes things don't work out as planned. You're right, we are not there to judge. We are here to provide information.

These articles are so painful to read, and yes, many people look for an excuse/scapegoat, so they don't "feel guilty" for making a different choice. But, honestly, I don't even think about guilt when I buy a certain dog food. It's a great power of suggestion that we should purchase all fresh items and make our own dog food (and many people do) because their dog is "worth it!" I don't. I love my dogs, and they're "worth it," but I don't buy into it, and I don't feel guilty.

If a mother "feels guilty," she has bought into someone else's thinking, and she has to herself justify her feelings. Sometimes the mom needs to be reminded of the challenges she overcame to make the choices she made, and guilt just isn't an option.

Best wishes,
Sam Doak

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