Thank you, Rachel. I cannot thank you enough for your and Teresa's bravery.
(I emailed Teresa and several others off list, so as not to clog LACTNET with
too many of these, and use all my posts for one day.) Thank you. Thank you.
I wholeheartedly agree that breastfeeding is NOT really a phenomenal event or
action, enacted only by the BEST of women, but a normal, expected event (or
process) which is expected, mammalian, and does not convey any superiority
on the bestower, beyond her biological imperative. (Of course, we are Thinking
Animals, so it sometimes appears that even something like breastfeeding can
even be a "choice" but that is an argument for an other day.) Like many say,
Breastfeeding is really NOT "best" it is the Norm. And we know that women
who breastfeed, (although many would like to think so) are not morally
superior than those who do not. Yes, I, too, would rather see a child artificially
fed and honored, loved, and respected, than breastfed and beaten, humiliated,
and bullied into submission. Of course, a good mother can both breastfeed AND
be gentle, loving, use Loving Guidance and "just say no" to hitting. But,
breastfeeding doesn't ensure that the child will be protected from abuse, even
from his mother.
Yes, there is research that there IS less Domestic Violence, against Children
as well as Women in breastfeeding homes, but that doesn't mean there is
none. Women have always breastfed, and I think if we look to the not to
distant past, we see myriad references of "not sparing the rod" in nearly all
societies, even in the days when there was no other alternative than
breastfeeding. It is no different today, except women can choose not to
breastfeed, and at least in Western Societies, have a reasonable expectation
that her child will probably survive.
I think we, as Lactation Consultants and Advocates NEED to get past the false
idea that "She is breastfeeding, she couldn't possibly be hurting her children."
We, if IBLCE Certified, are Mandated Reporters in the USA, (that means we are
bound, if we suspect abuse, to report it to the proper authorities) and we are
for a reason. If it were a Given that women who breastfeed, or Family Bed
never ever harmed their children, then there would be no need for this
mandate. Sadly, in the US, because there are few laws concerning "spanking"
(just a cutesy word for hitting) beating, whipping, or other harm to children,
one has to make a judgement as to "how severe" any abuse is. I don't. In my
book ANY hitting is abuse, and will be reported. (I AM proud to say, that in 22
years in LLL, I have only ONCE seen a woman hit her child at a meeting or
function.)
But, to think that no abuse will ever arise in a family who professes to
breastfeed and Family Bed is simply naive. I find myself unable to come to
terms with the Pearls, when they claim they Family Bed, yet also say that
infant who do not go to sleep, or who cry when Mom leaves the room
when "told to" are to be "thumped" "Whipped" or "spanked" until they no longer
protest. (And they are ALWAYS careful to tell parents to "not leave marks" a
more calculated cruelty, I have rarely seen.) I have used the Family Bed, and I
can't see how that could work. Of course, the Pearls also exclaim about
the "Joys" of beating children, while at the same time, when asked by their
followers why so many children are "jumping ship" (meaning children in "Pearl"
homes leaving home at an early age, many long before the teen years are
over) gives Lip Service to "being Respectful" of one''s children to avoid this
obviously common phenomenon. Either do Family Bed, while Whipping babies
who won't sleep, with rulers, plumbing pipe or hands dovetail together in one
home logically. These two pieces of conflicting advice just don't jive. (from
what I see, Debi Pearl took her small babies into bed to avoid having to get
up, she admits as much. The idea of the Family Bed as a place for Love and
Nurturing doesn't seem to enter her equation. It is used only early on, for
convenience.)
I think we need to look at what people like Pearls and Ezzo are REALLY doing,
while manipulating the hearts and minds of frustrated parents, they offer "easy
solutions" but their ultimate goal is selling books, instruction manuals, lectures
and paid "advice" for a One Answer Solution. Hitting.
Only when breastfeeding advocates can realize that not only parents who
claim to breastfeed and Family Bed also can Hit and Harm, but in many many
cases, the Fictional Dr. House's processing of "Everybody Lies" is never truer
than in some "Child Care Experts" advice books and manuals. We can we be
more sophisticated in our counseling and understanding of the people we work
with every day, when we come to the realization that some breastfeeding
families DO hit, and that some "child raising experts" even if they say they
breastfeed and Family Bed etc, may indeed not be totally truthful with us. I
don't want to sound too cynical (please, I don't want to be the Dr. House of
Lactation....) but, I DO have to call them as I UNDERSTAND them, after of
course, careful study, observation, and some percolating through my head.
(Wow, maybe I am more like him than...grumbly, argumentative,
crabby....no.......) If, in the process, I sometimes appear a bit strong minded
towards a few of my fellow ADULTS, I guess I should maybe apologise, but I
am a person who expects a lot out of *everybody*. My clients and my
colleagues, especially. I am not all that good at "making nice." But, I do think,
most of the time, my heart is in the right place. And, I do feel the need to call
obvious abuse into the open. Even at the risk of maybe offending a few who
may not have understood the entire philosophy and legacy of the people they
may be promoting. Whether it was realized at the time or not.
In other words, breastfeeding does NOT occur in a vacuum.
As in the FLDS case, we cannot talk "only" about the fact that some women
involved may breastfeed, and ignore the rest of the problem, or ignore that
there IS a problem, but the CONTEXT of how they parent, and the fact that
parenting choices other than breastfeeding can and do have as strong an
impact on the child now and in the future as breastfeeding may in some cases.
If I have offended anyone, I didn't mean to be mean. But, I don't think it
would be disingenuous of me to take back any of my statements or comments
concerning either those who abuse children, or those who defend them, either
knowingly, or unknowingly. Which might be a good reason to KNOW the
Philosophy of a Guru before advocating his or her words or actions, not just
hearing a few isolated sound bites and jumping on their bandwagon. An
occasional error is one thing (witness the Sears issue this week) but there are
limits, and I think most of us would agree, that the violence advocated by
some "Gurus" simply cannot be ignored.
Blessings,
Mary Jozwiak IBCLC, RLC, LLLL
Private Practice
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