Hello, Kika. I do not know you from before, as I have only been active on
Lactnet for about a year.
I mean no offence, but I wanted to share that I am uncomfortable with the
concept of lactation professionals 'giving permission' to mothers to stop
breastfeeding.
I don't mean to pick on you, this type of thread had come up before and I
have ignored my inner voice and just let it alone. However, I feel this is
something that needs further exploration.
Just last night I was a company dinner with my husband and I was seated
beside a young woman who had no idea what a lactation consultant was. She
asked me "So...do you 'consult' for the women or for doctors?" Meaning like
get paid a gazillion dollars to come trouble shoot some scientific advancement
in lactation technology. Hey...she's in the information technology industry, so
I can't blame her!!
Anyway, later on in our conversation, she asked me: "So...do you *convince*
women to breastfeed? Or do you tell them about breastfeeding and bottle
feeding and let them choose?"
I laughed told her that while there is an educational component to what I do,
I do NOT convince women to breastfeed because the mothers who come to
me for help HAVE ALREADY DECIDED.
Then I told her that my own personal ethics forbid me from recommending
anything other than breastfeeding, because of what I know about it.
Thinking about this further and about your story, Kika, I've recalled the
DOZENS of times that I've worked with a mother who was obviously looking for
someone, anyone, to give her the permission to stop breastfeeding. In nearly
all these situations, I was certain that that was what the mother wanted from
me.
But, I am not in that business.
I am in the business of HELPING women to breastfeed their babies.
Maybe some of you here on Lactnet will disagree with my methods when faced
with this type of scenario, but what I do in this situation is be honest with the
mother. I tell her that my own personal ethics prevent me from giving her
permission to stop breastfeeding. Then I tell her that I am confident that she
CAN continue to breastfeed IF SHE WANTS TO. Then I tell her that if she
does, I am there to help her and together we can look for solutions to her
challenges. I ensure that she knows it is a choice that she alone must make,
and if she decides to continue, I will help her. If not, I will refer her back to
her doctor. 90 -95% of the time, the mother continues to breastfeed and
goes on to enjoy breastfeeding...5 - 10% of the time she contacts me again
for help with weaning or I don't hear from her again.
Did I convince her to breastfeed? I do not think so. But I did encourage her
and let her know that it IS possible, even in her situation.
I can only imagine how many babies would NOT have been breastfed if I'd
given their mothers permission to stop.
Now, take the situation in which you have described, Kika. While I am glad
that this mother was able to express her love for her child finally, and that she
finally felt happy and calm, I have to ask:
Where is the healing?
Avoiding breastfeeding and the contact with the breasts appears to be only a
TEMPORARY stop-gap for her. She has obviously NOT fully dealt with the
feelings and trauma of her abuse, and while breastfeeding brought it to the
fore and ceasing to breastfeed re-sealed it, I just do not see this as being
beneficial for this mother.
Her pain is STILL there. Maybe not the physical pain of breastfeeding (which
sounds more psychological anyway), but the pain of her past. Now that she
has been given permission to exclusively use EBM, I feel that you have also
given her permission to close the door on true healing. If she has other
children, I think she is likely to go straight to EBM without even trying to
breastfeed. This is *avoidance*, not healing.
Far better to be gentle and compassionate while telling this mother that she
CAN do it. Far better for her to work through (with a qualifed therapist) the
feelings and emotions that have surfaced, than to intentionally close them
down.
It is my personal belief that if this mother had continued to breastfeed while
working on her issues, she would be much more whole and much better for it
in the end. Sometimes, it takes a catalyst to bring long-repressed issues to
the surface. When they get there, I believe they should be addressed.
Again, I don't mean to pick on you, Kika, or your abilities as a lactation
professional. You sound very compassionate, concerned and knowledgable. I
am just using the situation that you have shared to hopefully jump start a
conversation here.
Anyone?
Blessings!
Karyn-grace Clarke, IBCLC, LLLL
Gulf Islands, BC, Canada
www.breastfeedingwithkg.com
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