What an odd subject line, heh? I often get moms telling me how hard it is,
how overwhelmed they feel, etc. I agree with them 100%! Sometimes even
before they tell me I can sense they are feeling that sense of "What the heck was
I thinking!!???" NO ONE TOLD ME IT WOULD BE THIS HARD! Sometimes I tell
them first. I tell them how hard being a mom is, how no one tells us the truth,
how there is no way we can live in our world and have a remote idea what
mothering looks like, how every where we look babies are in day care centers or
out of sight on the tv set how even in the sitcoms babies are not real! Then
I tell them it is okay to feel like they didn't ask for this and it is okay
to feel overwhelmed by the reality of what it means to have this very small
little human they are completely responsible for and who just turned their
world upside down! Depending on the situation, I try to give most moms the same
little talk about expectations and reality. Who expects a baby to
breastfeed every hour or so when everywhere you look babies are being fed volumes
every 3-4 hours? The bottles they sell are even larger and make you think they
must need more. Even if you read about it, when it is you living
it...breastfeeding non stop, feeding running into feeding and always leaking and just not
feeling like who you were, well, sure it seems too much for some women.
They do get that feeling that if they were not breastfeeding it would be so much
easier...easier as in they would not have to care for their own baby. I
think for them breastfeeding is even more important....it will help them in the
long run to find that fit with their child. Sometimes if they don't
breastfeed they will disconnect completely.
The truth is, we really do not prepare people for parenthood. We really are
a selfish lot here in the USA where we think we deserve it all. Many have
grown up with their own parents working full time, no mothering given to them
full time either. We learn mothering by being mothered. If we don't get it
there, we have to 'think' it into being. Even in nature mothers do very bad
things to their children, so mothering may not be as natural as we want to
think, or it is very natural and so are the negative feelings about it. Along
comes a baby that was really wanted and they thought would look cute and be such
fun and it just is not like that at all! And nothing we were and used to do
and expected is the same. I totally get that it is harder than they knew it
would be.
Sure, I am human, and I get that same thought sometime...get a plant is
better than the goldfish I sometimes think of. Heck, I am a mom, sometimes I
think I should have got a few plants instead! Used to think goldfish, but you
do have to feed them and occasionally change the water....so much work!
Cactus, yes, cactus plants would be a good choice for me on some days. I know we
have this ideal that moms get their babes in their arms and immediately
become someone else...some selfless caring soul who puts the needs of the baby
first, etc. etc. But, really, who you are before you became a mom may need some
time to grow into the role you need to embrace so this new little person can
grow up healthy and safe. This is bigger than some moms can are ready for.
I can't tell you the number of women who cried and breathed a sigh of relief
that they were just human and it was okay to feel it was more than they
expected. Maybe they are selfish, maybe they did not even realize that
themselves. But, for most, I think they will grow and learn and take on the work of
parenting. I do think it may take some time though, and they will likely need
lots of support and nurturing as they grow into it.
Take care,
Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC, RLC who with her 7th child has often
wondered...What the heck was I thinking!?
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