Pam -
I'm no fan of shipping a 16 month old off to an ex-spouse's for the night if it can be avoided, but it may be in everyone's best interests for the mom to let the overnights happen.
I live in the same town as my parents. Each of our 2 sons started going for overnights as toddlers, well before they were weaned - in one case *years* before he was weaned. They loved being at Grandma's for the night. She usually had them over when my father was away, and they often slept with her (or sometimes on their own with cousins; never in a room alone). They understood from a tender age that the routine as Grandma's was different from the routine at home. Grandma didn't nurse, but she did a lot of other cool stuff. I'd pick them up in the morning before their first diaper change. I couldn't have not nursed them to sleep at home; at Grandma's it simply wasn't an issue.
The first time I spoke with a mother whose ex wanted overnights with their toddler (older than 16 months but not more than 2), she was horrified at the thought of having to let him go. But as she said the morning after, "I think it was harder on me than it was on him. I had to pump a couple times, and he was quieter and a little clingier the next day here at home, but... they seem to have done okay." It's not a perfect solution, but it may not be as bad as mom thinks and it may spare the adults some other, uglier, battles.
A co-Leader of mine with a 4 year old talked about needing to visit her sister but not being able to take the kids. "Can you go alone?" I asked. "Danny's still nursing," she said immediately. "I know," I said. "Can you go alone?"
Nursing is not a millstone around a mother's or child's or ex's neck. It's a robust system with an enormous amount of flexibility built into it - flexibility that only increases with the age of the child.
This mom may have very sound reasons for not wanting her child to spend the night with her ex, but if she morphs it into a breastfeeding argument, I think both she and breastfeeding are likely to lose out.
Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC Ithaca, NY USA
www.wiessinger.baka.com
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