I'm really glad that someone brought up the "201 Reasons to Formula Feed"
website and also that the posts about it have been so kind. I visited it
for the first time about six months ago and it left a deep impression on
me. In fact, when I recently reviewed a book featuring women's stories
about breastfeeding, I asked the author to consider including this
perspective. I don't think we can tell the whole "breastfeeding story"
without acknowledging *all* the women who have been deeply affected, even
those affected negatively..
Diane Wiessinger wrote in her paradigm-changing JHL article "Watch Your
Language" that it does not make sense that the woman who cannot make breastfeeding
work for her should feel guilt, because by and large it is not her fault. The
appropriate
emotions are grief at what was lost and anger at the system that failed her.
However,
the emotions many of the women on this site are feeling are being channeled in
another direction.
They are angry at breastfeeding, breastfeeding advocates, and breastfeeding
promotion.
In a way it makes sense. The US culture gives lipservice to breastfeeding, but as
we are all painfully
aware, the underpinnings are missing. Women are obviously getting the message
that they "should" breastfeed, but when they have problems, the solutions may not
be forthcoming.
Many emotions are triggered when this happens. These women want to feel
like good mothers, but if they continue to believe that "breast is best,"
it is difficult to feel that way. So rather than grieving their loss and
directing their anger at the system that failed them, they are directing it
toward us and toward breastfeeding itself. Some may be thinking
subconsciously, "Maybe if breastfeeding really *isn't* best, I will feel
like a better mother."
Some of us have contributed to this. The site owner tells stories of
breastfeeding mothers who have sent her hateful messages, such as "I hope
your baby chokes on the poison you're feeding him and dies" She says that
others have asked her why she devoted time to this when she should have
been with her baby. She seems to shrug all of this off and laughingly
responds that her baby's father played with him while she put the site
together and that "No babies were harmed during the construction of this
site." It was painful to hear.
It reminds me of the "mommy wars" that were raging in my early days as an
LLL Leader (1980's), when mothers who were home with their babies and
mothers who worked outside the home attacked each other's choices--and
often each other.
We don't have to be on Lactnet long to recognize that many of us have also
been casualties in the "breastfeeding wars." I've often remarked that the
most palpable feeling I get from reading Lactnet is overwhelming
frustration. Changing the cultual norm is difficult, and many battles are
lost before the war can be won. The women who seek support from this site
are casualties in this same war, and I think it is crucial for us to find
some way to find a solidarity with one another.
I'm wondering if there is a way to embrace these women, acknowledge their
pain, and help them reframe their experience. Perhaps some of Lactnet's
best minds can help me work on this one. We will move out of this morass
much faster if we are all moving in the same direction.
Thanks for listening.
Nancy Mohrbacher, IBCLC
Chicago suburbs, Illinois USA
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