In a message dated 11/30/0 1:14:03 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:

<< We went into the feeding room and Dad (whom I
had never met before) came along.  Baby was a little overwhelmed
with the firm breast when we first tried to get her latched,
Immediately, Dad was saying "She doesn't want to.  Her face is red.
I thought you weren't going to do that any more.  I told you when
you first got pregnant that if you breastfed your tits would hurt.
Now get a bottle so I can feed her."  I took a deep breath and
started to point out other ways in which he could be involved in
baby's care.  He only continued berating the mom.  I continued to
try to help her get baby latched and suggested she pump again to
make the breasts a little softer.  She just sighed and said "No,
just get me the milk I brought in and we'll give it by bottle.  I'll
just pump and give my milk by bottle so he can feed her."  I was
tempted to launch into a lytany of all the things he was increasing
baby's risk for as well as Mom's increased risks if she didn't
nurse, but I could feel the resentment on his part that I was even
there at all, so I bit my tougue, left the room and reported to the
baby's nurse.  Whe rolled her eyes and said "Damn! Why can't he stay
out of it?"  Mom came out a couple minutes later to get the bottle
and reported that she would not be breastfeeding unless she only did
it when he wasn't around.  When I think of the moms with babies in
the NICU ( and very supportive fathers) at the same time that are
struggling to get their babies to nurse effectively and this poor
mom/baby who was doing so well is sabotaged by this so-and-so who
will probably lose interest in giving the bottle in a short time,
but long enough that reestablishing breastfeeding would be a great
challenge. >>

Winnie,
I have seen "fathers" like this one way too often. There are several things
that immediately come to mind. First, this pattern of control is consistent
with those in abusive relationships. Just how young is this mom? If she is
living with someone other than the "father", do they have any influence on
her? Is social services involved? Anyone who can counsel this mother? I would
immediately look for another "young mom", especially someone who may be or
have been in a similar situation. There is nothing more powerful than peer
counseling. She needs to believe she can stand up to him for the sake of her
baby. Please try some other interventions, b/c if she doesn't stand up to
him, what then? If she does, then she will place her baby first should he
become a risk to them in some other way. I doubt he wants to feed the baby to
"bond"; he wants to show her he is in control.
    One father who behaved similarly became so threatening that he force fed
the week-old infant corn bread to show the mother he was the one in control.
She weaned and many social service people thought this was good, b/c now the
baby would be safe. A very short-sighted perspective, I'm afraid. She left
him, after becoming pregnant a second time and let him back in to exert the
same control the second time. We lost track of her after that. I have
observed that mothers who have resisted this kind of control attach to their
babies, and IMO, are more protective of them.
    Please, do not think I assume every young father is abusive--quite the
opposite. But, this is a big red flag I have seen way too often. Please try
to find a way to get this mother to understand what her baby will lose if she
gives up bf. Tell her that you understand that "dad" wants to bond with the
baby (which I doubt is true), but explain why bottle feeeding will just
prevent bonding from anyone. Talk about how much more her premature baby
relies on her. Try to get her to incorporate her baby into her own sense of
self. Anything you think will work. But, I really think a role model is your
best bet.
    BTW, it is not a long term solution, but may buy you time to get them
attached--can you get the neonatologist to talk to him and tell him why they
have medically "requested" that the mother bf--or something like that? Also,
I have told anyone verbally abusive that such behaviour is unacceptable. I
don't think we help anyone when we ignore it--it just tells the mother it is
okay with us for her to be mistreated. One more thing--if she is underage and
he is not--there may be more reason to get social services involved--most of
the time you don't want to, b/c it puts the mother more at risk when she goes
home, but she may already be there.
Jennifer Tow, IBCLC, CT, USA

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