re:
And I have yet to see my boys 3 and 7
try to breastfeed their doll.  They roll model lots of cuddling and
pushing
in the stroller and an occasional bottle.

-- Sorry, I have to disagree here. I live in a laboratory situation,
with two sets of boy / girl twins. There are lots and lots of
differences between girls and boys that seem to be inborn. Nurturing at
the breast is *not* something that seems to be a gender difference. All
of mine have breastfed dolls, and I don't think that encouraging
"gender-appropriate" roles is helpful; they'll sort it out in time.
Moreover, it is my belief -- based on several episodes -- that a boy's
recognition that he can't birth and nurse babies is traumatic, and leads
to some of the behaviour that I have been attributing to patriarchal
socialization. My boys have, each in turn, been shocked to be told
(often by their older sisters) that they will not have a baby in their
tummy like mommy, or will not do na-na, lo-lo or whatever with their
babies. I try to downplay their disappointment, which I feel is very
real, by doing just what all of these helpful Lactnetters have suggested
-- encouraging them to carry dolls in slings, bath them in the bathtub
with them, hug them, but also roll around on the floor with them, etc.
and -- and this is important -- reminding them how much they like it
when daddy does these things with them, and that their babies will be
lucky to have daddies like them. It helps, obviously, that we have a
good role model.
On the other hand, a seven-year-old might be a bit beyond role-playing
with dolls. And a lot of his distress probably comes from being at this
age, when they seem to move away from cuddling and yet miss it so much.
Also, he might be so involved in his own life and activities that he is
worried about his mother no longer being available. I have found it
important not to emphasize what we *can't* do because of the baby, but
rather, "look how happy the baby is to be carried in the sling -- where
do you want to go for our walk?" and, as much as possible, taking the
baby along to wherever you're going with the older child, so he can see
how portable the baby is.
Come to think of it, this can work with first-time fathers, too. We have
come to call those privileged moments when we wait until the children
are asleep and then "sneak out" with just the baby (no, that came out
wrong -- my teenagers babysit the sleeping children, we don't just leave
them, eeeegads!) as our "dates". Which we can't do now because she can't
go out in public, darn it!
Jo-Anne, with a second child who has recovered from chicken pox, two who
are doing well, and a still-miserable baby: I thought breastfed babies
would get milder cases of childhood diseases! Unfair!

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