I'm with Kathy on this one. I delivered my twins at term. No complications
in the pregnancy whatsoever. I loved my babies from the first moment I heard
about them and fantasized for 9 months what life would be like with them.
With a breech and transverse lie, a vaginal delivery was out of the question.
When my daughter broke the amniotic sac, I went into labor immediately, and
was 4cm by the time I arrived at the hospital. Fetal monitor showed 2
healthy heartbeats as they rushed to get me ready for my c-section. Kate was
out before I knew it and crying lustily. All I heard the doctor say about
Jason was "This was has meconium". I wasn't a labor and delivery nurse at
the time, but I did know this wasn't a good thing. I kept asking "Is he
crying?" The anesthesiologist kept saying "No, not yet." Finally someone
told me that he was on a ventilator and I wouldn't hear him cry. It seemed
like forever, but the pediatrician came over and told me my son had died. I
couldn't believe it. I kept saying to take him to Children's Hospital and
that I had eaten yogurt and other healthy foods. My shock and depression
lasted for months. I lost weight rapidly and had no appetite. I couldn't
sleep when my daughter slept, so fearful I might lose her too. I had birth
and death in one fell swoop. I felt schizophrenic. Racked with depression
and guilt, the autopsy revealed nothing to make me feel any better. Doctors
felt he died from overcrowding and most probably compressed his own cord.
I nursed my daughter until she self-weaned at a year of age and was told
(this was 21 years ago) that I could not take antidepressants and breastfeed.
I remember thinking if I put Kate in the freezer while she slept, then I
could defrost her later and have another baby to are for. Of course I never
acted on these thoughts and she is alive and well today, but the thoughts
were there and very real, none the less. My grief has lasted a lifetime.
Not a year goes by that I don't remember every moment of that fateful day.
If one more person says "Be thankful. At least God left you with one baby" I
think I will hit them. Reactive depression, postpartum depression, must be
respected. It is a terrible thing to go thru. The lonliness and despair and
isolation are monumental. I am sorry for the long post, but having made it
thru this time in slow motion, one painstaking moment after another, I feel
the importance of conveying how much support a nurse friend was to me. She
alone kept me breastfeeding. I was a single mother at the time. My own
mother asked me "Why are you crying?" when she called one week after their
birth. Her comment was "You have a baby to take care of. Now you must snap
out of it." SIGH. Well, I hope this helps someone out there. I am no
longer paralized by the loss. My life has moved on. My daughter is in
college and I'm married to a wonderful man who adopted her. I will never
forget my experience though. I never knew such depression could exist.
Loni Denman, RN, IBCLC
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