Hello, Kika.  I do not know you from before, as I have only been active on 
Lactnet for about a year.

I mean no offence, but I wanted to share that I am uncomfortable with the 
concept of lactation professionals 'giving permission' to mothers to stop 
breastfeeding.

I don't mean to pick on you, this type of thread had come up before and I 
have ignored my inner voice and just let it alone.  However, I feel this is 
something that needs further exploration.

Just last night I was a company dinner with my husband and I was seated 
beside a young woman who had no idea what a lactation consultant was.  She 
asked me "So...do you 'consult' for the women or for doctors?"  Meaning like 
get paid a gazillion dollars to come trouble shoot some scientific advancement 
in lactation technology.  Hey...she's in the information technology industry, so 
I can't blame her!!

Anyway, later on in our conversation, she asked me:  "So...do you *convince* 
women to breastfeed?  Or do you tell them about breastfeeding and bottle 
feeding and let them choose?"

I laughed told her that while there is an educational component to what I do, 
I do NOT convince women to breastfeed because the mothers who come to 
me for help HAVE ALREADY DECIDED.

Then I told her that my own personal ethics forbid me from recommending 
anything other than breastfeeding, because of what I know about it.

Thinking about this further and about your story, Kika, I've recalled the 
DOZENS of times that I've worked with a mother who was obviously looking for 
someone, anyone, to give her the permission to stop breastfeeding.  In nearly 
all these situations, I was certain that that was what the mother wanted from 
me.  

But, I am not in that business.  

I am in the business of HELPING women to breastfeed their babies.

Maybe some of you here on Lactnet will disagree with my methods when faced 
with this type of scenario, but what I do in this situation is be honest with the 
mother.  I tell her that my own personal ethics prevent me from giving her 
permission to stop breastfeeding.  Then I tell her that I am confident that she 
CAN continue to breastfeed IF SHE WANTS TO.  Then I tell her that if she 
does, I am there to help her and together we can look for solutions to her 
challenges.  I ensure that she knows it is a choice that she alone must make, 
and if she decides to continue, I will help her.  If not, I will refer her back to 
her doctor.  90 -95% of the time, the mother continues to breastfeed and 
goes on to enjoy breastfeeding...5 - 10% of the time she contacts me again 
for help with weaning or I don't hear from her again.

Did I convince her to breastfeed?  I do not think so.  But I did encourage her 
and let her know that it IS possible, even in her situation.

I can only imagine how many babies would NOT have been breastfed if I'd 
given their mothers permission to stop.

Now, take the situation in which you have described, Kika.  While I am glad 
that this mother was able to express her love for her child finally, and that she 
finally felt happy and calm, I have to ask:  

Where is the healing?  

Avoiding breastfeeding and the contact with the breasts appears to be only a 
TEMPORARY stop-gap for her.  She has obviously NOT fully dealt with the 
feelings and trauma of her abuse, and while breastfeeding brought it to the 
fore and ceasing to breastfeed re-sealed it, I just do not see this as being 
beneficial for this mother.

Her pain is STILL there.  Maybe not the physical pain of breastfeeding (which 
sounds more psychological anyway), but the pain of her past.  Now that she 
has been given permission to exclusively use EBM, I feel that you have also 
given her permission to close the door on true healing.  If she has other 
children, I think she is likely to go straight to EBM without even trying to 
breastfeed.  This is *avoidance*, not healing.  

Far better to be gentle and compassionate while telling this mother that she 
CAN do it.  Far better for her to work through (with a qualifed therapist) the 
feelings and emotions that have surfaced, than to intentionally close them 
down.

It is my personal belief that if this mother had continued to breastfeed while 
working on her issues, she would be much more whole and much better for it 
in the end.  Sometimes, it takes a catalyst to bring long-repressed issues to 
the surface.  When they get there, I believe they should be addressed.  

Again, I don't mean to pick on you, Kika, or your abilities as a lactation 
professional.  You sound very compassionate, concerned and knowledgable.  I 
am just using the situation that you have shared to hopefully jump start a 
conversation here.

Anyone?

Blessings!

Karyn-grace Clarke, IBCLC, LLLL
Gulf Islands, BC, Canada
www.breastfeedingwithkg.com

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