Dear Judy and others,

Judy said, "Ouch , that hurt. I think you make a good point but it seems as if
we are calling failure to sleep longer at night "developmental delay" in a
baby not
 even 18 months old."

My apologies for the jolt.  You make a good point.  I don't believe not
sleeping through the night is a sign of developmental delay, and I am sure
that all children develop this trait at their own rates.  And I especially
know that there are always exceptions with children; they are too individual
for any kind of rules!  I guess I want to clarify and emphasize that in
general a child "progressing" towards sleeping through the night, i.e., waking
less and less, either gradually over several months/years, or more rapidly, is
what I am referring to.  And even then, sleeping better may not be an
indication of all is well, if there are other daytime signs of detachment,
etc.  It could be a sign of emotional shutdown, as sometimes seen in "sleep
training."  Also, a child could be "progressing" towards more sleep, and then
"regress", waking more often, as a perfectly normal response to developmental
milestones, too.

My first child woke often at night for better than his entire first year, to
nurse and to play.  I was a new and uncertain parent, uncertain as to what my
response should be at times, often frustrated with his demands.  His night
waking did very gradually decrease, and I believe that was a sign of
adjustment and improvement in our relationship.  My second and third were both
night wakers, too, though to a less degree, and again, both gradually
improved.  My three year old still nurses at night, though she seldom (if
ever) has wakened since she was three days old.  My own personal opinion is
that my increased confidence in my mothering skills since baby #1 contributes
to this more satisfactory state of affairs.

There is nothing really "wrong" with an attachment relationship that is less
than the "secure" relationship that we would like to see; it is a common state
of affairs for many complex reasons.  I don't want to start a debate on
attachment, not a lactnet topic, I think.  But in my work with moms I have
seen many moms whose mothering skills lack confidence, have high frustration
levels with their children, frequent separation (which often seems to
contribute to the frustration), and many stresses in their lives.  Their
babies are demanding extra attention to their needs when their moms are
around, and for many this is at night, and through nursing.  The moms may or
may not have any control over meeting their babies' needs during the day or
controlling their own frustration, or having less separation.  I try to help
moms to understand that if the situation is less than ideal (for whatever
reasons) they will see these kind of consequences.  Personally, I *like* to
see these babies making demands; it says to me that their attachment behaviors
are still intact and functioning, and not shut down.  And I want to help the
moms be able to respond as best as they can to those behaviors.  If they do, I
think they will see "progress", even if slow and precarious, in their baby's
developmental and emotional patterns, including sleep.

I guess what I heard Jay talking about was moms with toddlers who were waking
extremely frequently, which says to me that they are waking not just for
hunger cues, but other cues as well.  And that is where I went with my answer.
I do apologize if I have wounded anyone with my answer; I was aware that it is
an extremely sensitive and unpleasant topic to consider.

If I am talking to a mom with a frequent waker and I don't see any of these
"obvious" pointers to emotional needs, (and often even if I do) I suggest to
the mom that their baby is "tanking up" on the good immunities (if day supply
of expressed breast milk is frozen he may not be getting much) and mom contact
that he knows instinctively is so good for him.  I try to help her gain
sympathy for her baby and pride in what she alone can provide.  And I hope
this can tide her over until things improve one way or another.

Ann Davis, LLLL, Dayton, Ohio, USA
[log in to unmask]