I originally posted this question:
>Has anyone noted a distinct difference in early adjustment to parenthood
>of more mature women (esp. "elderly primips") who have established their
>professional life, DINK (Double Income, No Kids) home and social
>routines, and have developed the habit of using a planner for scheduling
>their priorities to liberate them from excess stress?
>
Pierrette Mimi responded:
<I always chuckle when I seen this depiction of "mature mothers" who
happen to
have had a professional life before parenting.
The danger in generalizing is that many times it incorporates "contempt
prior
to investigation" (borrowed from a well known recovery program).>
Karen responded:
< They also were more likely to be
concerned about being "perfect." Of course, it presented a wonderful
opportunity for discussing enjoying the baby,>
Karen's response completed the thought I originally had. This observation
was not intended as a judgement, or "contempt", but simply that it may be
a marker to observe for and consider in our assessments and teaching.
The HCP may find it important to take a little extra time to present
information in a way attuned to the expectations and thinking patterns of
mothers with this background. (Dads can often have unrealistic
expectations of both the baby and the mom, as well.)
At times, depending on her parallel background in parenting (relatives,
friends, reading etc.) it may even be helpful to validate such a mother
for her obvious love and concern, her approach and her effort thus far,
before discussing simpler, more realistic alternatives.
She may need extra help in sorting out and accepting her feelings of
inner turmoil. Providing this help early may reduce her risk of
postpartum depression. She may welcome reassurance that her baby does
not need her to be perfect, just "good enough", and that she is the only
mother he has ever had, and he is not comparing or judging her
performance.
She may feel encouraged to find that simply being there, providing
familiar feelings through her warmth, softness, the sounds of her voice,
the rhythms of her heartbeat and respiration and the secure holding
similar to the environment in her womb, is one of the baby's primary
needs.
This is an opportune time to mention that the breast has taken over the
feeding, hydration and immunity functions of the placenta and amniotic
fluid that were constantly available to him before birth (almost like a
PCA pump!), and not just for 20-30 minutes every 2-3 hours.
Just as much, or more than any other mother, she may benefit from a
review of the baby's cues and the assurance that they are clearly
indicating his most basic needs. If this is a completely new way of
thinking for her, she may need this guidance to help her let go of trying
to be perfect. This is especially true if she doesn't recognize how our
mainstream culture's products tend to separate babies from mothers so
much that cues go unobserved.
I do think that Karen's subject heading of "mature primipara" is much
kinder than the "advanced maternal age" label, to say nothing of the
actually denigrating phrase I was repeating - "elderly primip". Take it
from me, I am really beginning to understand what "elderly" means, and
mid-30's ain't it! It's all relative, I guess!
Jean
*******************************************
K. Jean Cotterman RNC, IBCLC
Dayton, Ohio USA
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