Karleen, thanks for this:
"Of course, there are women for whom the whole problem with breastfeeding is 
the closeness and communication involved and they are going to communicate 
this to their child at many other times apart from feeding. IMO in this 
situation the very least the baby deserves then is decent food (ie 
breastmilk). It is also entirely possible that despite the mother finding 
the closeness difficult and not enjoying breastfeeding one little bit that 
the hormones involved in breastfeeding actually assist her in her mothering."

This would be my premise as well, and I think those hormones are what
facilitate the transformation from 'female person living with a child' to
'mother'.  It's impressive to behold.  BUT I have seen women who were so
uncomfortable with the whole notion of that degree of closeness, of the baby
living off a substance produced in their breasts and transferred by direct
intimate physical contact, that feeding their milk by bottle was a happier
choice for them, and they were very able to hold the baby and snuggle it
close while bottle feeding, whereas letting the baby suckle at the breast
was more than they could cope with.  And I have seen women whose opinion of
themselves was so low that they could not bring themselves to offer their
own milk to the baby, which is very sad indeed, and I doubt I would reach
these women by communicating that they don't need to like breastfeeding in
order to do it.  It's distressing to see someone in such circumstances, but
one thing is certain, and that is that the woman needs love and acceptance
AS SHE IS, not as I wish her to be.

About your question, whether breastfeeding is normal or special, of course
it's normal.  So if someone is actively not liking breastfeeding, which is a
normal part of life, I take it as a sign that something is the matter, just
as I react negatively to someone turning a nappy change into an opportunity
to shame the child or teach it to be repelled by its excreta rather than a
time to show love while meeting a basic human need. If you are saying we
don't have to love the actual breastfeeding in order to show love for the
child at the breast, then I'm with you. It feels to me like I am reading a
more intense dislike into your phrase 'not liking breastfeeding' than what
you meant.  I don't like getting up at the crack of dawn to go to work, but
I have to go to work, and I'm lucky enough to work with something I care a
lot about so even if I don't always want to jump for joy about being there
for 8 hours, I do it out a sense of commitment and duty, and my sense of
duty extends as far as striving to give each mother I see, my full attention
while she is there, which helps me to muster the engagement I need to do a
good job.  Work is a normal part of life, just like breastfeeding and
maintaining social relationships and going shopping for groceries, and of
course I don't think that we all need to be vibrantly ecstatic over all
these things all the time in order for things to be OK. 
But I do think that if we always do all of the normal things solely from a
sense of duty, with no joy in the doing per se, it's a sign that there is
something amiss.  Maybe we should be doing something else, somewhere else,
with someone else.  Maybe someone else should be loving us more clearly too.

Rachel, enjoying this exchange a lot in Kristiansand, Norway

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