Grief is a very difficult process to experience--particularly in the US (and other Western countries) and particularly with some losses. Many of us have been trained throughout life to be independent and stoic by the cultural beliefs and behaviors around us. When we lose a loved one to death it may not be very long at all before others are expecting us to "get on with life." They often don't realize that grieving is a healthy, normal, and critical part of doing just that: it's how we learn to live again without whatever or whomever we lost. Mothers who experience losses like miscarriage, still birth, the birth of a child with a congenital disorder, or the death of a baby may receive little support for their grief. Well-intended people may say very hurtful things like, "You can always have another baby" as though a lost baby is fully replaceable with another or as though the loss of an expected vision of life and mothering and living chronically with extraordinary challenges are easy things to deal with. I would hazard to guess (and sincerely hope) that very few people would tell a grieving widow or widower, "You can always have another spouse." Lack of social support during grieving is one of the reasons that counseling can be so beneficial--we get the much deserved chance to talk to someone who knows how to listen to us express our grief without trying to make us (or themselves) feel better. Feeling better tends to come on its own if we could just have the chance to express our emotions of grief to the degree that we need. Then there are losses that occurred years ago but for which many people do not find the support and information to try to work through until they are adults, such as the experience of childhood abuse. No funeral or wake is held to acknowledge these losses, most in the family deny it ever happened, and few ordinary folks would have any idea what to say if they received an honest answer to "how are you?" if they asked it of someone who is in the midst of trying to heal from an abusive childhood. Then there are the many injustices and losses that so many face throughout life due to racism, sexism, poverty, and violence. And the loss of a breastfeeding relationship doesn't even make it onto most people's list of acceptable things to grieve at all--yet that doesn't stop mothers from experiencing this socially unacceptable grief. So, many of us are doing the hidden work of grieving alone. It's exhausting, uses up much energy that would have been available for other things, and may leave us distracted, preoccupied, and downright depressed. Which is all the more reason to give the families we work with--and each other--the benefit of the doubt, be patient with them and each other, and reach out with kindness more often than not. Our gentleness may be appreciated more than we'll ever know. Cynthia Cynthia Good Mojab, MS Clinical Psychology Ammawell Email: [log in to unmask] Web site: http://home.attbi.com/~ammawell *********************************************** The LACTNET mailing list is powered by L-Soft's renowned LISTSERV(R) list management software together with L-Soft's LSMTP(TM) mailer for lightning fast mail delivery. For more information, go to: http://www.lsoft.com/LISTSERV-powered.html