Hi Susan,

Try to remember that her disrespectful attitude is about HER and her 
unresolved feelings about not being able to breastfeed although she 
wanted to.  I totally know how you must be feeling -- attacked and 
pissed off -- but try to imagine the pain this woman must still be 
experiencing over her bad breastfeeding experience that caused her to 
act so rudely.  Unfortunately, we always have to expect that some women 
are going to feel/act this way, but we have it in our power to try to 
help women realize that they are feeling angry, sad, and failed by the 
health care system, not guilty.  This can allow them to open their 
minds to the idea that breastfeeding is still good to promote and LCs 
are gentle, respectful people.

After hearing your message, she is probably feeling defensive and even 
more sure that breastfeeding advocates are nuts.  We LCs can refuse to 
be baited, and instead address these feelings by reflective listening:

Woman:  You're not one of those breastfeeding Nazi's, are you?
LC:  It sounds like you had a terrible experience with a breastfeeding 
advocate!
Woman:  Yes!  I was in terrible pain, and every one kept telling me 
just to not give up.  Then they made me feel guilty when I did.
LC:  You felt guilty for stopping, even when it was such a bad 
experience for you?
Woman:  Well, I just wanted to do what was best for my baby.
LC:  You know, my work is all about helping mothers breastfeed without 
pain.  It sounds like no one helped you figure out what was causing the 
pain.  I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, just like 
someone who is unable to exercise because of pain should feel guilty 
about that.
Woman:  I guess you're right...but people tried to help me...I just got 
so tired and frustrated by all the different advice.  And anyway, the 
new formulas with DHA are almost as good as breastmilk.  My daughter's 
healthier than a lot of breastfed babies I know.
LC:  That's great.  Part of what I want to do in my talk is educate 
people about the benefits of breastfeeding.  It would certainly never 
be my intention to cause people to feel guilty, although I am sensitive 
to the fact that hearing about the benefits of breastfeeding might be 
painful for mothers who were not able to breastfeed due to inadequate 
help or for other reasons.  I try to help mothers understand that it is 
not a failure on their part -- that they tried their absolute best and 
are still wonderful mothers -- and it's ok to grieve for the loss of 
the breastfeeding relationship and the human milk for the baby.
Woman:  Wow, I wish I had had someone like you helping me when I was 
having problems!  You're hired!  What kind of fee would you like?  ;-)


Lynnette Hafken, MA, LLLL, IBCLC (wannabe communication skills 
instructor)

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