Barbara writes:

"I hate to keep harping on this subject, but again, I think it continues to
repeat a fiction we tell ourselves that in more "natural" less modern settings
women's needs are better attended to.  I suspect it is the opposite, and that
in general there is much more sensitivity now in more stable, affluant
societies than in bygone days for the griefs that women experience in reproduction."

<snip>

:"Our memories are so short.  It is only 2 or 3 generations in our past that
maternal/child deaths were common in the West.  I can recall my own
grandmothers and their friends saying things like:  "I have 7 children; 4 living." or "I
have 5 children; 2 are in heaven."
<snip>

I think this is absolutely true. I remember hearing my parents talk about
such things when I was growing up and children lost in early life were simply
mentioned (when they were) as a matter of course.

"My own impression is that there is much more sensitivity now than there was
in the past, more permission to grieve, and more opportunity for women to be
heard when they grieve than in times past.  Would I like this counseling to
be more routine and more available?  Yes, of course. "

I have a different experience with this. I have personally had 5
miscarriages, and what was difficult for me was the expectation that I would experience my
feelings in a prescribed way that was consistent with both a medicalized and
a Christian perspective. (For example, it was not understood why I chose to
miscarry at home, have no ultrasounds, not have D&C's--did have one, or that I
saw my babies' time with me as part of the process of human evolution that both
I and these souls chose together.) So, while people were sensitive to the
idea of loss and grief, they were not generally sensitive to the possibility that
I would not share the same world-view on such loss as they did, nor that my
own spirituality gave me a very deep understanding of my experiences far beyond
the physiological process, and in turn, guided the medical choices that I
made (since this was not a shared spirituality). It is very difficult to interact
with others, especially with medical people, when their views are foisted
upon you and you are interacted with as if you share certain beliefs that you do
not (I worked in a hospital during 2 of my miscarriages, including the most
difficult one). For this reason, I did not even share all of the losses with
more than a couple of people until much later (even years) and felt a sense of
isolation rather than support. Because I experienced these miscarriages over a
period of 11 years (and had 2 children during that time), I had recurrent
opportunity to re-experience this and came away with much the same opinion that I
have about birth and other aspects of health care. People are comfortable with
being supportive when they can identify with your perspective, but when it is
unfamiliar to them, it is uncomfortable and even threatening. In other words,
the predominant view is supported, while the others are obscured by behaving
as if the predominant view is shared, whether it is or not--there is just no
room for anything else in pregnancy and birth in the US.
Jennifer Tow, IBCLC, CT, USA



Kathleen Fallon Pasakarnis, M.Ed. IBCLC
Nurturing Family Lactation and Parenting Services

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