fantastic post, Alice! this is thinking we all can use!
-----Original Message-----
From: Alice Martino [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Thursday, June 06, 2002 8:15 PM
Subject: Guilt, regret and fulfillment
> Some administrators of medical institutions say we should not make moms
feel
> guilty. What? By using the word guilt, they have presented the issue of
> infant feeding in terms of a right and a wrong. When I talk to moms in
> regard to infant feeding decisions or weaning I talk about regrets.
Will
> you regret this decision to wean now? Will you regret bottle-feeding this
> baby? Regret is about sorrow, about grief. I suggest that we quit
talking
> about guilt, a social marketing tool to silence people. Instead, we need
to
> present to others the concept of regret and the need to limit the amount
of
> regrets we have in our lifetime. I have alot of regrets in my 50 years of
> living but no regrets about breastfeeding all my children. Guilt is for
> wrong-doing. Women bottlefed for many reasons and most of the reasons are
> because our culture is guilty of not supporting breastfeeding.
> Valerie W. McClain, IBCLC
>
The last time someone commented to me that women shouldn't be made to
feel guilty for not breastfeeding, I said, "Of course not! I want women
to feel competent and fulfilled, not guilty. Things that are necessary
for life feel good, whether it's eating when you are hungry or resting
when you are tired. Until a hundred years ago, not being breastfed was
virtually a death sentence for an infant, so it's reasonable that nature
has put a great deal of pleasure into suckling a baby to ensure survival
of the species. I want women to feel good about themselves in all their
reproductive roles; to have pain-free periods, pleasurable intercourse,
healthy pregnancies, satisfying child births, and successful
breastfeeding for as long as they and their babies enjoy it. I make no
apologies for promoting feminine fulfillment."
He looked stunned and changed the subject before I could say that in my
35 years as a mother who breastfed, I've found that what at first seems
to be guilt usually proves to be regret or grief.
We need to reframe the terms of the debate from one of a burdensome task
for women to a one of biological fulfillment. While men have only one
interpersonal sexual relationship, intercourse, women have two,
intercourse and breastfeeding. Consider the difference in attitude
toward these two reproductive roles. Consider what the reception would
be for the suggestion that intercourse be replaced by masturbation with
plastic prostheses and artificial insemination.
Modern Western maternity care was shaped in a social milieu that did not
expect much sexual satisfaction for women. When I came to sexual
maturity in the USA in the 1950's, women were frequently advised to
engage in intercourse out of love for their husbands rather than an
expectation that they would enjoy it for themselves. People were
comfortable with wives and mothers serving and sacrificing for their
families. The idea that a woman might suffer to breastfeed her baby was
acceptable but the idea that it might be sensually enjoyable made people
very uncomfortable. This attitude shows up today in criticism toward a
mother who is nursing an older baby when someone says with disapproval,
"She is doing it just to please herself. The baby doesn't need it any
more."
Perhaps the doctor insisting on the 'no coercion, no guilt' statement
feels he is gallantly protecting women from an onerous burden.
Resistance to breastfeeding has multiple and complex roots, many based
in feelings about what is sexually appropriate. It is not at all
surprising that we often encounter resistance that is very difficult to
deal with.
I generally deal with people favorably disposed toward breastfeeding and
so I seldom have the opportunity to try to open eyes. I did once have
an interesting conversation revolving around the reasons cats nurse
their young with someone who thought that teenage mothers couldn't
breastfeed because they were too irresponsible.
Alice Martino
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