Loni, I've seen more of this than I care to remember.
Experience tells me this problem between the couple
has little to do with lactation.

I am not a psychologist, nor do I wish to play one at
consultations or on lactnet.  That said:

I have found that husbands/boyfriends who don't listen
to their wives are only marginally interested in what
I have to say.  Rather, they sometimes wish to share
with me.

I have found that husbands/boyfriends are sometimes
interested in written information presented
professionally.  [I always get a positive response to
the annual LLL Fact Sheets.]  They are sometimes
interested in information presented orally by men in
white.

When I meet with couples I focus on the father knowing
I already have the mother's attention and my followup
will be primarily with & for her.   I ask the Dad
open-ended questions that encourage a positive
response.  It's good to start with the child's
over-all health & development.  After he's warmed up,
ask Dad if there have been some positive aspects to
his child being breastfed so far.  Finally, ask about
his concerns.  You may wish to comment (not at the
start but early in the conversation) that you don't
doubt there are aspects of bf he has found to be
positive as well as aspects he doesn't enjoy.  Once
Dad finds something positive to say about his baby's
early start you may be able to have a conversation
about how to entertain changes while preserving what
Dad feels is good about his child breastfeeding.  Ask
Dad, and Mom, lots of questions.  Slip in information
in the form of a question.

Reassure Dad from the start that he is not alone in
his feelings.  Interject interesting comments
throughout.  "It's surprising how many families are
nursing longer these days."  "Would you like copies of
some recent fact sheets on breastfeeding research?"
"I was just reading the other day that Michael Jordan
nursed for three years..."  Perhaps he is interested
in a format where he will meet other fathers who are
not completely sold on bf forever (hopefully, you'll
rephrase).  If so...

Other excellent actions to propose include:
--  a consultation with a pediatrician who is IBCLC or
is known by you to be bf savvy or at least enthused
(be ready with phone # & address)
--  a consultation with a dietician (perhaps at a
local children's hospital, perhaps a joint
consultation w you -- have a name & know her!)
--  a La Leche League couples' meeting (if there is
one coming up in your area -- be prepared with info)
--  a parent support meeting (attachment parenting
type may be too much to expect but there may be a
drop-in meeting at a "parent ed" resource)
--  a parenting class
--  mediation

Be clear about your role.  Obviously you can support
them with lactation information upon which they will
make a parenting choice.  Keep the tone friendly and
upbeat.

You'll see a lot when you see them together.  Let us
know how it goes!


Susan Johnson  MFA, IBCLC



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