Darillyn,
I understand it's painful & I hope you are able to vent (away from your daughter!), maybe it would also help to journal, or write a letter for your daughter to read in the future. Look again at what you wrote -- your daughter invited you to come meet the special man in her life and together they shared with you their personal dreams for their future. It just doesn't matter what the state of California has to say, this is your daughter.
Thoughts:
1) Ignore the issue in order to let the new wall between you crumble rather than solidify. Your daughter is young & may still need to assert the differences
between you. Your longtime advocacy for breastfeeding, adoption, and
body integrity is strongly associated with the individual you are. Your daughter knows this more than those of us who know you through these
circles. My guess is this has nothing to do with bf and everything to do with your daughter's need to separate herself from the powerful force
in her life that is her mother. Your daughter is the fulcrum between
you and the boyfriend, she may simply be asserting herself in this
position when she sees you communicating so directly with her man.
2) Remember that at the moment breasts are a focus of sexuality for both
of them. In fact, every part of the body at this age & at this
point of their relationship, every bit of skin & thought is sexually charged. Neither understands the greater force between mother and
child.
3) Consider that she may be thinking of adoption because her mother
adopted her! Consider that for her adoption also means breastfeeding!
Consider that she is still lightyears away from the reality of a
commitment with this man and the welcoming of a child together! My take
on the encounter is a little different: I see a young woman who is
exploring the notion of what commitment and family will look like in her
future -- and she is modeling that on what she experienced herself.
She didn't say she wouldn't bf, she said she doesn't want her mom to
talk to her boyfriend about what to do with her breasts.
Your daughter's choices are as important to her as yours are to you. Imagine that!
At the moment my 20 year old daughter is living in Beijing, enjoying a serious relationship with a young man from yet another country. We
talk about many things but not whether she will nurse any prospective
children. That is a detail less important than her strong sense of self and the exuberant life force I am privileged to stand by and watch.
Only once have I commented on her future mothering: My daughter has
tattoos and one wraps her side, touching her sweet flat tummy. She told
me that when her tattoo artist said this would be a problem if she has
kids she replied she will never bear children. I said if you decide to bear a child, a tattoo will not stand in your way. She said, that's
true.
Nuf sed.
Susan Johnson MFA, IBCLC
Salt Lake City, Utah USA
________________________________
From: Darillyn Starr <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Wednesday, May 2, 2012 7:58 PM
Subject: Breastfeeding not an appropriate meal-time subject!
I need a shoulder to cry on, as well as some information. 21 years ago, I adopted a 9 pound six month old girl, who had been born with a diaphragmatic hernia, and spent most of her life in the hospital. She was fed mostly through a gastrostomy, was severely developmentally delayed, and antisocial. She showed very obvious signs of reactive attachment disorder. I knew she was in danger of growing up seriously handicapped, physically, socially, mentally, and emotionally, if I didn't give her the best I possibly could.
When I got her, the only sucking she did was a few minutes a day at a bottle full of Pregestimil, with a premie nipple, which flowed way too fast for her, and frequently gagged her. Getting her nursing was a process that took five months and a great deal of patience and creativity, but we got there, and it made a huge difference in her. That baby we were told would not be normal grew up to be a very intelligent and talented young lady.
She moved to California a few months ago, to be with her boyfriend. I went to meet him, last week. One day, we were having lunch at a restaurant. They had just told me that they hoped to adopt a baby one day. I asked her if she was going to breastfeed. I told her boyfriend that I had breastfed her and that she had nursed until she was a little over two years old. Later, my daughter informed me that I had greatly offended him by speaking of breastfeeding. She said that it was an inappropriate thing to speak about in a restaurant and that her boyfriend also thought that the people at the table next to us might have heard me and been offended, too. She said (obviously parroting him) that it was a subject that should only be spoken of privately, not in public. You would think I'd been loudly talking about some deviant sex act or something!
I spent the next few hours holding back tears and I still feel horrible about it. I tried to explain to her that it is the law that women are entitled to actually breastfeed their babies in public, without being harassed, and that I had never heard of anyone saying that it was inappropriate just to talk about it, anywhere.
Can someone tell me what the law in Calfornia says, specifically? I want to get along with this guy, since my daughter is determined to be with him, but I think I need to stand up for myself, and breastfeeding, too. I am sure it comes from the fact that he is 100% ignorant about the whole topic, but I don't think I should have to let him stay that way! I think being able to show him the law might give it more weight, rather than being just my opinion, which he apparently doesn't respect.
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