As a number of posters have pointed out,  breastfeeding should be talked
of, and with parents, too, *holistically*...that is, it's  impossible to
talk of bf  in isolation from whatever else is going on with that family,
with that mother, and with that baby. In fact, if we do manage to remain
unaware, and uncurious, and insensitive to all of that, we will be of very
limited help indeed  to that mother.

But part of our skills include talking  about this without acting as if we
are passing judgement on her parenting style....

Now, it is easier for me to do this, I think, as in the UK we don't have
great opposing camps of *labelled*  parenting stylists - speak of
'attachment parenting' to most mothers in the UK and they would look at you
blankly. Similarly (thank goodness) with the Ezzos and Babywise - though I
hear they are visiting Europe later this year.  Even Ferber is far from a
household name.  I rarely visit a mother who is following any sort of
babycare book in this way - the only one in recent experience was a mother
who happened to be American, and she was very keen on the Sears (other UK
lactnetters - is that your experience?).

If I find a mother is trying to put her baby on a schedule - the UK English
term would be 'getting the baby into a routine'  or 'not spoiling the baby'
- I can talk about why this is likely to make bf, and parenting,  a less
happy experience for her and her baby, without having the weight of a
philosophy round my neck. Chucking all notions of a routine out the window
simply makes more sense!

I say, sometimes, in a gentle way, that a baby's wants are the same as his
needs....that the baby is showing you he needs you, and can't tell you in
words, and staying close to him helps you learn about each other, and you
also learn, from his many cues, how to respond. Sometimes, it's helpful to
give the mother strategies to cope with people around her who accuse her or
'spoiling' the baby...together, we come up with phrases and 'smartarse'
comments which the mother might like to use....one I often pass on now
(which I learnt here on Lactnet!) is 'you have 20 years to teach your baby
independence...why try to do it all in the first week/month/year? (pick
appropriate time!)

Now, I also speak to mothers who *don't*  have unhappy bf experiences.  If
they tell me, often proudly, that their *contented* baby is sleeping and
feeding to a routine which seems to suit the baby, and if *everything is
okay* from the point of view of growth and development, then it is not my
place, I don't think, to make any comment at all....though (depending on
the context - remember I am a volunteer lay counsellor) I *might* indicate
in as subtle a way as I can, that often,  babies' needs change, and they
start 'asking' for more, and it would be fine just to feed and hold as
often as the baby seemed to want  (Anneleise is right - sometimes these
mothers think bf is no longer working, and they then give solids or
formula).

But fortunately, I can do this without anyone thinking I am trying to
'sell' a parenting style to them.  Thank goodness.

It is  nothing like as polarised here in the UK as it seems to be in the
US...or am I getting the wrong impression from the US-based BBS and forums
I visit on the Net?

Co-sleeping and baby-wearing and round-the-clock feeding is very far from
being the cultural norm, of course, and mothers worry dreadfully about
'giving in' to their babies and 'spoiling them'....

Heather Welford Neil
NCT bfc Newcastle upon Tyne UK

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