----- Original Message -----
From: "Jeanette Panchula" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, August 20, 2008 6:21 AM
Subject: [LACTNET] Angry foster mom

**Hello Jeanette,

> Today I received an e-mail from a foster mom - who said "this is such a
> waste of money" about our state breastfeeding website...
> www.cdph.ca.gov/healthinfo/healthyliving/childfamily/Pages/CommonQuestions.a
> spx
>
> "What do you tell the foster mothers that raise and care for their foster
> babies?  Why are these foster- mothers adopting these children and keeping
> these very sick babies alive with that terrible formula?  You make women
> feel guilty if women choose not to breastfeed.  Don't be silly, good
> mothering is the answer not whether you breast or bottle feed."

**I think you are right: she is angry and upset. Question is... about what
and at whom? The reasons you mention (she spends much time and effort and is
up and about at night for a child who's biologic mom wasn't able to look
after it, for whatever reason) are not so special: every parent has to get
up and has to invest loads of energy and every child deserves loving care,
from the moment we decide for that child, whether it is born out of us or
brought into our home for adoption or foster care. Bottom line: we make a
decision and are then responsible for the child we have. We may not always
like the consequences, but we are responsible nevertheless. Noone can take
that fact away, by no means whatsoever.

> My first thought was to not send her a response - she needed to vent - she
> is of course angry and upset - probably doesn't get enough reimbursement
> for
> all the time and effort she expends - I am sure she is up many times a
> night
> - often with infants whose mothers were on drugs and are in withdrawal -
> or
> with children who were abandoned, mistreated, etc.  When we are frustrated
> we lash out at whatever "seems" to be getting a larger proportion of the
> budget (especially right now in California!).

**It is often hard to see, especially when you are emotionally involved with
an issue, why things are the way they are and why it may not be as dumm as
you think that certain amounts of money are spent on certain 'projects'.
You, as an IBCLC, know why there was budget for the website and how
important it is that bf rates get up. I always wonder what good it does, if
we, as a profession, either get defensive or diminish the importance of what
we do by excusing mothers/parents who feel offended by *the facts*.
Consoling is one of the obstacles/hinder blocks (what's the English word in
his theory...?) according to Thomas Gordon when he talks about (active)
listening skills. What he considers most important, is rewording the
feelings of the speaker: "It seems you are angry/feel frustrated/are tired
(or whatever other emotion you seem to notice)." Preparing for the
VELB-congress in Vienna, I'm reading Bowlby and in one of the lectures in
the book I have (Bonding, the making and breaking of affectional bonds) he
states that it is very important for a child to be able to say: "I hate you,
dad" or "You're stupid, mom", without the parental walls of safety falling
down upon him. In other words: screaming and shouting should not lead to
replies like: "You're right" or "Shut up" or "I didn't mean to say what I
just said and what you deem stupid" or "You are dumm, too!"
Things said on the website are well thought through, right? So, you know
what you are saying and you know that the information on breastfeeding is
correct: that would make for a strong position, I would say. Something like:
"I can understand that in your position it may be hard to read all this.
Nevertheless, we see it as our job to well inform the general public, in
order for them to be able to practice well informed decision making. Every
parent will have to decide for him- or herself what is possible and what is
not. That is not up to us to decide." And before and after that, you could
say some empathetic things... ;o)

> Then I thought of responses such as:
>
> I know of foster moms who breastfed their foster kids

**Sounds too defensive to me; it doesn't matter to this mom whether you know
them. You know you are right anyway, so you don't have to back it up, not in
this phase of communication anyway.

> I know of foster moms who did their best to get banked human milk for
> their
> charges that were having problems dealing with formula

**Same as above.

> IF we can get more moms to breastfeed, there would be less money spent
> feeding infants, providing medical care for them, etc...and more available
> for other programs including hers...

**Check out the list below; I think it would fall under 'give logical
reasons' or 'identify causes' or something.

> IF we can help more mothers breastfeed, maybe we could prevent infant
> abuse
> and neglect and reduce the pressure in the CPS and foster care system...

**That's a long shot, that will probably not help this lady's situation. I
think information on this issue (which is of course very important) can only
be handed to her, when she is calmer and not so frustrated anymore. As for
listening theory: being emotionally overflown is a pretty good guarantee for
not hearing what someone is trying to tell you. In a training, we once got
this picture drawn: a circle with a horizontal waving line from left to
right, as if the lower part of the circle was filled with emotions in the
form of a fluid (let's say: tears... hahaha). So, if emotions get to a
higher level, the circle fills up, faster and faster, because the width gets
smaller when the line rises, until the fluid comes out... through the crying
eyes, through the screaming/yelling mouth and through all other ways that
emotions can get out of the human body (heart rate, sweat, temperature, and
so on). By active listening, we will first have to get this line lowered,
before anything else can get in (the head) again. With overflowing emotions,
the direction of the stream is outward, not inward.

> But would any of these responses be helpful to her?  She needs to feel
> "heard" - that SHE is a "good" mother even if she is not breastfeeding her
> charges - that SHE is an important "mother" and DOES meet the baby's need
> when mom is not available?

**Hmmm... the list of communication hinder blocks is *very* long and I
remember that whenever I looked it up, I thought: "Help, what CAN I say,
without hindering communication...?" Thing is, when communication is in
balance the hinder blocks don't apply. It is not, though, in this situation,
so consoling may not be very helpful. I got the book from the shelf and will
give an impression of the list: order, command, prescribe, warn, threaten,
moralise, preach, advise, suggest, give solutions, give logical reasons,
judge, criticise, disagree, blame, praise, agree, scold, make ridiculous,
shame, interpret, analyse, identify causes, reassure, sympathize, console,
support, investigate, ask questions, interrogate, withdraw, distract, give
in, put the problem somewhere else.
Well... quite a list, huh?! ;o)
Now from my point of view, towards you, Jeanette... it seems a bit like you
would like to stand up for the website, as if your gut says she is attacking
what is written there, even though your head knows that she ought to feel
heard...? It's not like I always do it right; let me be very clear on that!
I can still get carried away, but I'm learning all the time. It's way easier
to analyse as an outsider, than when you're on the inside of a problem.
Taking a step back can be so helpful, like you did, by posting on Lactnet.
So maybe you could first state what emotions you noticed: "From your e-mail
I get the impression that you are very (...:
disappointed/tired/sad/frustrated) and that it is hard for you to understand
why so much emphasis would be put on a website like ours?" Of course, these
conversations are easier one on one, because now, you miss out on body
language and you cannot adjust your next sentence to what you see and hear.
Maybe that would plead for only just this one question in a reply, maybe
with the addition of something like: "I would really like to hear what it is
that upset you in our website", to invite her. We were taught that an answer
like: "Yes, indeed, because..." tells you that you are on the right track
and: "Yes, but..." in fact means "No, you're wrong, because...". Maybe with
that one question you can open the door for her to vent more and to explain
in further detail why she is so upset. Maybe that can lower the emotion-line
and will open an opportunity for you to give more information later on. Or
not, but even that is okay, as it is not your job to convince her, but only
to give information or a listening ear.

About guilt and so on: I always feel that guilt only comes when you *know*
you could have done better and didn't try. When you seriously *tried* to do
better and *failed*, it will not be guilt what you feel, but
sadness/mourning, that may be disguised as anger (Julia Cameron in 'The
Artist's Way: "Anger not only points the finger, but also points the way").
We don't have to bless mothers for their parenting. They have to get
convinced themselves that they did all they could after getting all the info
there was to get. Then they will be alright. In the middle of that stormy
ocean, we can try to create small havens of listening ears and skilled
knowledge.
Good luck, Jeanette!

Warmly,

Marianne Vanderveen, Netherlands

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