I guess I *don't* think that all women are going to be equally "successful"
(using some of the qualities Barbara mentioned as parameters for "success"
here) as attachment parents. Certainly not all would be as comfortable with
it as others, and I believe that the aspect of *comfort* in parenting styles
is very important. I think of it as an aspect of integrity, or authenticity.
As with success in a job or other life task, adopting a means of presenting
yourself that feels like a poor fit will lead to sub-optimal results. It
leads to "cognitive dissonance", in which differents aspects of your manner
and/or message are at odds with each other, rather than reinforcing each
other.

I compare myself & my sister as parents: I'm a "carrier" (can't bear to have
a baby in a bed or box or swing when it could be being held) and she's a
"stasher" (happier with the baby not on her all the time). Her children are
much younger than mine. When I went to help her care for her first newborn,
I couldn't believe the energy she would put into getting him set up in an
automated swing, or settled in a chair thingy, rather than just swooping him
up, having him be immediately happy, and carrying him around as she went
about her business. She couldn't see how I could stand to have this baby all
the time in my arms. It drove her nuts! And it drove me nuts to see this
little newborn squalling in a stupid wind-up swing while she sat several
feet away! Later, she "Ferberized" her boys - and I couldn't imagine such a
thing! But now I have to say that her little guys are great kids, and she's
a great mother to them. I still wouldn't be the kind of parent she is, and
she wouldn't be like I am, but both of us are turning out exceptionally
wonderful kids (despite the difficulties her son has w/Asperger's Syndrome).

We know the advantages, from a scientific point of view, of co-sleeping,
breastfeeding, meeting your child's needs as they come up, etc. I'm talking
about a different aspect of the question - can parents do a really great job
turning out the kind of loving, open, non-aggressive, intelligent people we
all want IF they're following a set of rules that doesn't feel comfortable
to them? Or would the child whose mother *forced* herself to "attachment
parent", for example, because she had read that this was the "right" way to
do it, sense her discomfort with it and become more closed-off, more
isolated, more trouble-prone in the teen years? I don't know - I'm
wondering. I'm NOT, NOT, NOT saying anything about specific kids or specific
parents who might be reading this!

Cathy Bargar RN IBCLC Ithaca NY

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