Dear Debbie:

I think all of us wrestle with the problems you describe.  I have really been
trying to work on my "save the world" attitude because I do not believe that
it is helpful to either me or the mothers!  My latest method of dealing with
this type of situation is to tell the mother what she wants to know (how to
comfortably wean) and at the same time mention to her that if she decides
that she would like to change her mind that weaning can be reversed.  (I say
something like: "If you decide during the weaning process that you would like
to resume breastfeeding, I want you to know that it is possible.  I will be
happy to help you if you change your mind.  Now, to wean comfortably.....)

There is an excellent book by Cloud and Townsend titled "Boundaries".  In the
book, they depict everybody's responsibilities as knapsacks.  It is wrong to
try to get someone else to carry your knapsack.  You must carry your own.
 Occasionally, you will be given boulders (crises--big problems) to carry.
 It is OK to get help to carry your load, but you must remember that it is
your own load.  This has helped me tremendously in my counseling to visualize
myself helping with the boulder, but allowing the mother to carry her own
responsbilities (which includes consequences for her informed decisions).

Hope this helps--it has really freed me from some of the oppresive thoughts
that I used to get when I would feel that I had "failed" to save a BF
relationship.

Martha Grodrian Brower,
Battle-bruised from medical factophobia, a virulent strain of which is loose
in my hospital