New day for dads
South Sound dads attest to author's claim that being a functioning father is
as natural as nurture

June 16, 2002

Debbie Cafazzo; The News Tribune



When Toronto psychotherapist Andre Stein proposed a book for first-time
fathers, publishers scoffed.

No men will buy it, one after another said. Publishers insisted that men
aren't interested in children's issues.

Stein's agent submitted "Father's Milk: Nourishment and Wisdom for the First-
Time Father," (Capital Books, $18.95) to 34 publishers before a Virginia-
based publisher decided to gamble that men might be interested after all. If
not, Capital marketers reasoned, perhaps women would buy the book for their
partners.

Stein's book, co-authored with his friend Dr. Peter Samu, aims to turn the
stereotype of the incompetent, uninterested dad topsy-turvy.

"We have to let go of the silly notion that's been handed down through the
ages that fathers are not naturally nurturers the way women are," said Stein,
a father of five. "That somehow they got the equipment issued by God and
government and we are lacking. We have to empower ourselves with self-
confidence."

"Father's Milk" makes the case with humor and warmth that men can and should
share the joys of parenthood equally with women.

It's a lesson some South Sound men say they are learning on their own in the
first weeks and months of fatherhood.

For 29-year-old Air Force Capt. Bill Buckingham, becoming a father has
been "a life-transforming experience" that amplifies joy, frustration and
just about every other emotion.

"It's like sitting too close to the TV," said Buckingham, a McChord Air Force
Base pilot whose daughter Abigail was born June 2. "It's too hard to take it
all in."

Danny Curtis, a 21-year-old first-time father who works at a Les Schwab tire
center, wants to be the father that he never had.

"I'm not really much of a crier," the Puyallup dad said, recalling Shayla's
Feb. 22 birth. "But when she came out, I found myself really bawling. It's
nothing to be embarrassed about. It's your child."

And Daryl Tiemersma, who became a first-time father May 21 with the birth of
his son Hunter, proudly shows visitors a beautiful black-and-white photograph
of his son's tiny hand held in his.

"To have someone totally dependent on you is an amazing feeling," said the 37-
year-old Federal Way heavy equipment mechanic. Tiemersma remembers holding
his son, giving him his first bath and wondering, "Is this little baby really
mine?"

Learning to be Dad

These guys are used to taking charge and making things work on the job. At
home, they say they take for granted changing diapers, giving baths, holding
crying babies and losing sleep. Buckingham is learning that he can do almost
everything his wife Clarissa can do - with the notable exception of breast-
feeding.

He rocks and coos with the best of them.

"I get a lot of joy out of taking care of the house," Buckingham said. "I
feel extremely included. We've built up pretty strong teamwork."

Buckingham said he's felt self-confident from the moment his daughter was
born, and credits a lot of that to a good childbirth preparation class.

"I went from being freaked out to walking out of the class being confident,"
he said.

Tiemersma took a childbirth class with his wife, Jeanette. He also read
popular books about pregnancy and took a lactation (breast-feeding) class
with his wife. About half the women in the class had male partners there -
all of them eager to learn how they could help.

"You need all the players to make the team work," Tiemersma said.

He has delighted in the discoveries of early fatherhood. Shortly after
Hunter's birth, he decided to see if he could soothe his son by holding him
with his head tilted slightly down. He figured it was the same position the
baby was in before birth. It worked.

Every morning before he sets off for work from his apartment, Curtis smothers
his baby daughter in kisses. He sings her songs. He's turned over his
PlayStation to a "Mozart for babies" disc.

He sees parenting as a 50-50 deal with his fiancee, Carrie Arcuri.

"In my opinion, it's not fair for the woman to do it all," he said.

Curtis said he looks forward to seeing his daughter grow up in a happy
family. He and his fiancee plan to marry eventually. But they say that with
Shayla, they already feel like a family.

"I never knew my dad - never met him," Curtis said. "Everything I've learned
has been from my grandmother. I'm kind of doing it my own way."

He acknowledges that good parenting requires sacrifices on his part, but he
said he makes them willingly.

"You have to kind of take yourself out of hanging out every night," Curtis
said. "You can't just carry on like you're a teenager."

Future of fatherhood

Fatherhood is in transition, author Stein says. It has been ever since men
like him started demanding a spot in hospital delivery rooms decades ago.

Which direction fatherhood takes in the future, he believes, is in the hands
of both men and women.

He thinks men need to seek out positive parenting stories from other men, and
stop listening to horror stories. He urges them to become involved from the
beginning "so you don't feel like you're part of the B-team."

In addition to books like his, he sees new resources opening up for fathers.
There are Web sites and magazines aimed at fathers. And he hopes more
childbirth educators and physicians will make an extra effort to include
fathers.

But he also believes women need to learn to make room for fathers' ways of
doing things.

"Young mothers, especially, are so protective," he said. "Have you ever heard
of a father who dropped a baby? I never have.

"So much depends on where women want to go. As long as the gender war
continues, it will be reflected in the way parenting takes place."

- - -

Debbie Cafazzo: 253-597-8635

[log in to unmask]

- - -

SIDEBAR: On the Web

* Andre Stein and Peter Samu: www.fathersmilk.com.

* Fathering Magazine: www.fathermag.com.

* Fatherville newsletter: www.fatherville.com.

* Boot Camp for New Dads: www.newdads.com.

* National Fatherhood Initiative: www.fatherhood.org.

- - -

SIDEBAR: Pediatric pointers

Tacoma pediatrician Dr. Carl Plonsky has been teaching parenting classes to
his patients' parents for the past nine years. Plonsky, a father of four, has
also had a lot of on-the-job training. Here's some of the advice he offers
dads:

* Love your baby's mom. Moms need help, and sharing caregiving tasks
strengthens family bonds.

* Spend time daily having fun. Sprinkle warm, fuzzy times throughout the
week. Read, sing, talk and pray with your child. Smile a lot. Hug.

* Pay attention to what your child is doing. Praise accomplishments. If you
don't have the energy to be interested in what your child is doing, take a
short nap.

* Get enough sleep. Kids misinterpret a sleepy, grouchy dad as someone who
dislikes them.

* Keep a routine. It helps children develop security.

* Try to create some free time as a couple, away from the kids and the
responsibility. Otherwise you'll be running on empty.

* Be consistent with discipline, and apply it without anger.

* Learn to respect that your child has legitimate feelings.

* If your child is challenging or your frustration level is increasing, get
some help from a doctor, psychologist, parenting classes or books.

* Be open to learning and changing. Learn how to switch gears.

* Learning to parent takes time. It takes practice, and it often takes help.

- Debbie Cafazzo, The News Tribune


© The News Tribune

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