This is a little off-topic, but I thought other people might enjoy it on
the list!
Denise


Betsy, a grammar-school teacher
from Miami, remembers this
Oscar-worthy birth tableau
from one of her students.

I've been teaching now for about
fifteen years.  I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story
I know is the one I saw in my own
second grade classroom a few
years back.

When I was a kid, I loved
show-and-tell.  So I always
have a few sessions with my
students.  It helps them get
over shyness and experience
a little public speaking.  And
it gives me a break and some
guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty
tame.  Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish
they catch, stuff like that.  And
I never, ever place any boundaries
or limitations on them.  If they
want to lug it to school and talk
about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica,
a very bright, very out-going kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to
the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.  She
holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday.  First, Mommy and Daddy
made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Daddy put a seed in my
mother's stomach, and Luke grew
in there.  He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands
on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had a video camera
rolling.  The kids are watching her in
amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my
mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"
Erica puts a hand behind her back
and groans.

"She walked around the house for,
like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the
kids' doing this hysterical duck-walk,
holding her back and groaning.

"My father called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's
man.  They got my mother to lie down
in bed like this." Erica lies down with
her back against the wall.

"And then, pop!  My mother had this
bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and
spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
The kid with her little hands is miming
water flowing away.  It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push,
push, and breathe, breathe.  They start
counting, but they never even got past
ten.  Then, all of a sudden, out comes
my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff they said was from the play-center,
so there must be a lot of stuff inside
there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical
bow and returned to her seat.  I'm sure
I applauded the loudest.  Ever since then,
if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my
camcorder - just in case another
Erica comes along.

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