Human development is a life-long process. Maturation is relative and
multidimensional. There is no such thing as a final outcome of "full
maturity." Parenting itself is a developmental task--and perhaps the
hardest one that human beings face. In the best of environments, every
mother will know less when she begins mothering than she will know two
months, two years, two children, or two decades later. This relative lack
of knowledge, skill, and maturity is a reflection of our humanity. Yet
countless women, with their relative, human and unintentional lack of
knowledge, skill and maturity, struggle to accomplish the developmental
tasks of mothering with little or no meaningful, trustworthy, and
systematic support, guidance, and respect from their social systems. This
fact indicates a tragic failure of social systems--not a tragic failure of
individual women.

Women who grow up in profoundly age segregated societies (like the United
States), where babies and mothers are commonly isolated in nuclear homes,
simply have not had the chance to see what human babies and young children
are really like. Women who grow up with little or no exposure to
breastfeeding simply have not had the chance to see what breastfeeding and
breastfed children are really like. What they see instead is media and
marketing myths of babies and children--myths that create false
expectations that eventually conflict with reality. Babies are supposed to
sleep contentedly alone through the night, but they don't; babies are
supposed to feed on schedule, but they don't; babies are supposed to play
happily alone for hours in a play pen, but they don't.... According to the
marketing, such conflicts between expectations and reality can only be
solved with the purchase of a product: a tape of a mother's heart beat that
plays any time baby stirs from sleep, artificial substitutes for human
milk, more and more toys.... Such products are grossly inferior substitutes
for what babies and young children really need: engaged, active, present
mothers backed up by the ongoing support of extended families and societies
that truly respect mothers and the priceless work of mothering.

In my mind, it is no wonder that so many women are downright shocked and
dismayed to find that mothering takes far more of their energy, time, and
commitment than they ever imagined. When mothers express to us the
frustration inherent in such shock, we are given the opportunity to
acknowledge it, respect it, validate it, and help a mother begin to grieve
the fact that she has been systematically lied to throughout her life time.
When we find the compassion and patience and skill to do this (even when we
are understandably so very frustrated ourselves), we provide a safe space
in which a mother may be able to recognize--and then consider
accepting--the unexpected invitation for personal growth and development
that mothering has brought her. If she cannot recognize this invitation
now, much less accept it, our compassion, patience and skill may still be
critical to her ability to do so later in her mothering.

With understanding of the frustration often expressed here on this topic
and with respect for the hard work you all do to support mothers,

Cynthia

Cynthia Good Mojab
Ammawell
Email: [log in to unmask]; Web site: http://home.attbi.com/~ammawell

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