>Hi Margaret,
>
>The problem is that when someone is very disappointed or upset about
>something, they tend to talk about it over and over and the feelings, rather
>than being diminished, become stronger over time. Also, the memory of what
>actually happened and what was said fades, but the feelings remain and
>whenever the situation comes up in conversation, anger resurfaces.


Sharon, I think this insight is very helpful - I'd just add that 
people don't necessarily have to talk about these situations, but 
they can think about them, and today, write about them on forums and 
as  online comments.

>  You see
>it frequently in birth situations gone wrong. It also happens all the time
>in situations unrelated to breastfeeding, where a person cannot let go of
>those feelings or resolve disappointment. Also, I think that there are
>volunteer counselors who really don't have a depth of knowledge necessary to
>help in abnormal situations. When a mother is told to just relax and nurse
>the baby and everything will be ok, that is just infuriating to her and to
>her partner who is also affected by the situation.


I agree wholeheartedly. This is not *counselling* at all. I am a 
tutor and I train people to become breastfeeding *counsellors*. We 
work very hard to learn about our boundaries and to know when an 
abnormal situation is outside them. But as for 'just relax and 
persevere' - this is what I hear mothers tell me their midwives and 
health visitors tell them to do, and it is indeed infuriating. We 
never (or should never) tell someone what to do, and that includes 
this awful one of 'just continue and things will come right'.
>
>
>I have to say that as much as I admire Ms.Dettwyler and her body of work, I
>did find her statement to be really offputting. Many women who have gone on
>to breastfeed their children did not have that as a real consideration when
>they first became pregnant or considered pregnancy.


I felt the same. I was uncomfortable with the 'Holocaust denier' 
parallel, though on reflection, I can see a justification for it. 
Being shocking like this is sometimes necessary to get a point across.

But I don't see that someone who plans not to breastfeed should be 
told they should not have children. As you say, people do change in 
pregnancy. They change between children.  People do not make infant 
feeding choices in a social and cultural vacuum - I think we should 
be warm and loving and accepting of all mothers, who come to 
motherhood with a whole package of  influences and pressures that are 
outside their full control.

Heather Welford Neil
NCT bfc, tutor , UK
-- 
http://www.heatherwelford.co.uk

http://heatherwelford.posterous.com

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