Dear all:

Barbara Ash's post clicked in for me why this is so upsetting to so many of us. Rather than many 
of us not being exposed to rape in one form or another, I would argue the opposite.

I think that the reason why we all have such emotional reactions is that so many girls and women 
are raped (as are a lesser number of boys and men).  This means that many on Lactnet probably 
have been subjected to rape and most of the rest have a friend or family member that has been 
subjected to it as well.  These experiences color how we react.  Probably the majority on Lactnet 
are the "protectors" who feel that they must protect the person in their life that didn't get the 
protection they needed and relive it every time they work with another woman.  How we have 
processed that experience and how we continue to process that experience will continue to 
influence how we react. 

My reactions are colored by two experiences.  My little sister who shall always remain stuck in my 
mind as the 25 pound waif when she started kindergarten had a friend whose uncle bribed them 
with candy to show their panties.  Turns out the uncle was abusing the friend and my sister had to 
testify to the DA.  This was back in the 70s when they didn't really know how to handle such 
situations well and my sister foudn the DA experience more traumatic.  I also had a dear friend 
who I will call Z....  We were Peace Corps volunteers in what was then Zaire.  My friend Z...  was 
raped at gunpoint repeatedly by multiple men while her male postmate was forced to watch.  The 
postmate I was living with responded to this situation with "Well, it wasn't as bad for Z... as it was 
for A... (another Peace Corps volunteer who had been raped) because Z... had sex before."  There 
was also another volunteer C.. who I didn't know who was raped and was told it was because she 
slept with the locals that she deserved it.

So, of course, based on my experience, any time I think of rape I think of how various forms of 
rape have been trivialized.  Well, its not rape if you didn't fight back.  Its not rape if your husband 
did it.  Its not rape if your date did it.  The list goes on and on of what we used to believe were 
acceptable criteria to call it rape.

I think all in all our heated discussions have a commonality.  We are all arguing the same thing --- 
that violation of a woman's body is not acceptable and it should not be trivialized.  On the one 
hand those who are upset with equating what is a "lesser" violation are arguing that the more 
serious violation would be trivialized by lumping these so called "lesser" violations into one 
category.  On the other hand, those who are upset about the so called "lesser" violation do not 
want these actions trivialized because they are seeing the physical and emotional consequences 
that are far greater than is commonly acknowledged in the general public.  Neither group wants to 
see a woman's physical and emotional trauma trivialized.

I don't think we need to grade whether or not a woman's traumatic experiences qualify on some 
arbitrary scale.  I think we need to be aware of how best to prevent these experiences from 
happening and guide women towards what will enable them to heal from these experiences.  

And I don't think there is one of us who does not fall into either the "protector" or the "survivor" 
role in some form or another.  Hopefully, not many still haven't received adequate help to shift 
from the "victim" to the "survivor" role.

Best regards, Susan Burger

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