Hi All,

 

I have written and re-written this several times trying to state correctly
what I need to state without going into major detail about my own personal
experiences regarding Rape and the emotional trauma a woman goes through
when a nurse causes injury to her in the effort to help her breastfeed her
baby.  Been there - lived it with both issues.  They both SUCK.  

 

This is clearly an emotional issue.it very much is so for me - and it
certainly is for Susan's client.  It sounds like it is for others as well.
Good - it should be.

 

It seems to me that the main point of this topic was perhaps missed.  Please
remember (go back and reread Susan's post if you need to) it was the MOTHER
Susan was writing about who used this term.  For her, the damage caused to
her breast and the way she was treated was a rape.  Who are we to tell a
mother that the term she uses to describe a violent and painful event that
left her in pain, fearful, afraid to say anything and visibly bruised that
she is using the term Rape inappropriately???  Who are we to say she wasn't
raped?  In her experience and reality - she was.  It is as simple as that.

 

For some of us the term rape is offensive and extreme.  Yes, Rape is
extreme.  The word alone brings up a clear visual in our minds of an act
that is sexually violent, forced, frightening, painful, emotionally
traumatizing.the list goes on.  This was clearly NOT uncomfortable or
inappropriate touching in this mother's case - and THAT is what was being
discussed.  The emotions surrounding a rape are exactly what the mother
described herself as feeling.  The circumstances Susan is referring to are
EXTREME.  I thought she made that abundantly clear.  Is the term offensive
in this aspect?  To me, honestly - absolutely not.  It is a descriptive and
emotionally felt word that a new mother used to make crystal clear exactly
what she felt she went through.  And she did a damn good job.  

 

Apparently, however, it got to many of you and because it did I ask you to
take a look inside you as to why.  Is it because you have been violated and
you can relate to this too closely on an emotional level and therefore
cannot bear to see it for what it was to this woman?  That would be very
understandable.  Is it because you have not been violated like this (or in
any other way) and you have no basis for  understanding what it is to be
violently violated?  This is also understandable.  Is it because you see
Rape as ONLY a sexual violation?  Again, understandable.  Rape, I will tell
you from personal experience, comes in many forms.  We all have our reasons
for not wanting to acknowledge an act like this for what it is - and that is
OK - for us personally.  But when we discount this (or any) mother's reality
- we do a disservice to her and to ourselves.  

 

As difficult as it may be, we all must remain open to the sad reality that
there are those out there who - purposefully or not - physically and
emotionally HURT mothers and babies in the 'effort' to help them.  How many
of us have dealt with breast aversion because of a nurse (or nurses) who
routinely force a screaming baby to the breast?  How many of us have heard
the moms' frustrations and anger about the nurse/s who handled their breasts
roughly or didn't even bother to ask permission to touch while 'helping'
them attach the baby to the breast??  It is not right, people - but please -
if it can happen as simply an uncomfortable or inappropriate manner why can
it not happen in a violently rough manner that a mother equates as a rape?
For all you know she was raped by someone who used her breasts as a way to
cause her pain.been there.lived through that.   Those uncomfortable or
inappropriate "touchings" could bring back emotional flashbacks.it happens.
And let's really get blunt (and yeah, I'll probably offend someone out there
so please prepare yourselves) - one could reasonably consider it a rape of
the baby's mouth by forcibly shoving the breast into it in a manner that
causes him fear, aversion, and emotional shut down.  Please do NOT flame me
privately or publicly for this comment.  Just look at it as a stark and
distressing possibility that NO ONE (not even me) wants to consider.  Talk
about an emotional issue.

 

Bottom line - remember that no one but the mother used this term - she used
it to describe what she felt to be (and I agree with her, personally) a
RAPE.  Susan used the term appropriately, in my not so humble opinion, to
give a damn good name to a course to prevent such things from happening in
ANY manner.  Is it shocking?  You bet.  Will it get someone's attention??
You bet!  And Good - it should.  How SAD that one would even need to
consider using such a shocking title for a course in order to get some
education out there on a concept that really should be simple common sense.


 

While it may not be all women, there are too many women are being 'handled'
in a manner that should not be allowed - ever.  ANYONE who needs to touch a
woman's breast in order to assist with breastfeeding (or anything else for
that matter) should ALWAYS ask permission first.  It doesn't matter if
permission is implied.Ask first.  It is a simple act of respect that goes a
LONG way.  Even when a mother I am working with knows I will be touching her
to some degree - I always ask first with a "May I?" - how sad that they are
so surprised by that.  One of my pet peeves I am not going to apologize for.

 

I am climbing off my soapbox.now to go breathe.  Some of you will say
"good."  That is OK.  No one has to agree with my opinions.  No one has to
know the details of my rapes and my experiences in the hospital with rough
handed nurses who caused me pain, trauma and frightening flashbacks.  All
that needs to be known is that is does happen and it happened to one of your
own - ME.  I can use those experiences now to validate the experiences and
feelings of the women I work with and counsel through tears of hurt and
frustration at being handled like a piece of meat - no caring, no warmth -
treated without the common courtesy of being a new mommy who just wants to
hold, snuggle and breastfeed her baby.and then has to wait several days
because every time her baby sees her breast he screams in terror.   And just
to let you know - I am well aware that this does not happen everywhere - and
it does not happen every time - and it may not happen in every hospital.  I
KNOW these happenings are not the rule - but I also know they do happen.
And we need to acknowledge that - even the extremely ugly happenings need to
be acknowledged - as hard as it may be to do so.  

 

Susan - give that mother a big hug for me.

 

I'm going to go hug my kids.

 

Jaye Simpson, IBCLC, CIIM, MOM

 

survivor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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