Dr. Gordon and All,
    I find that the biggest problem is the concept that the parents need to
agree about "mothering" the baby.  Yes, men do find the clingy needy behavior
of children to be somehow wrong from a very early age.  Some find the nursing
relationship to interfere with their own needs as husbands.  I don't like the
word jealous because it is beyond that.  I am not even sure it is always
about control, though, in some instances it truly is about nothing else but
controlling the baby and the mother.  I get calls from dads all the time just
wanting to know what is normal.  We always think of the input of complete
strangers to mothers regarding parenting, but dads get the same and don't
have the same support system moms have.  Dad goes to work and hears about the
new baby at Mr. G's house who sleeps in the crib from 6 pm til 6 am and only
2 mos old, oh my.  He comes home to a baby that just gets started from 6 til
6, and is almost 2 years old.  Of course he is going to wonder is his kid
"normal".  Mom hears the same thing, but she also goes to play group, support
group meetings, and has a wide variety of mother friends who have varying
experiences of what is normal.  I think it might help to validate his
feelings and find out exactly what is bothering him about the situation.  For
instance, does he hate having the baby in their bed between them?  Fix it.
Baby outside, mom and dad together.  Does he miss having a wife to himself?
Gee, mom probably misses him too.  This too is fixable in small doses.  There
is always a reason why daddy wants things to be different and sometimes we
can fix it for him without interfering with the mother child relationship and
honoring his.  I don't think this is a sign of a bad marriage to begin with.
The dynamics of parenthood alter all of us and dads are no different, they
just don't come wired with the same coping skills or hormonal helpers.
Usually, if we can find out exactly what the reason is behind what he wants,
the two of them can find a compromise.  Plus, how often do moms do the same
thing to maintain sanity for themselves?  Dad's deserve a break.  On one hand
they are told to do more and participate and on the other they are told, okay
now back off this is not your decision.  I think it will be awhile before
they find their place and until they do compromise and patience are probably
the best.
Dr. Gordon, lucky are the dads who come to you, because in my area most peds
gang up on the mom with the dad to get that baby off your breast, out of your
bed, and put that man first again or your marriage will be doomed.  In my
case, after 15 years of nursing and pregnancy and co-sleeping, my husband is
still the first have a fit if I let a child cry for two seconds instead of
getting my gown out of the way.  But, as wonderful a dad as he is, he does
still miss those days when it was just the two of us curled up in our bed and
truth be told --sometimes so do I.

Pam MazzellaDiBosco, IBCLC      exactly one week past due date for #6 and
                                                   thinking at this rate we
never will be just the
                                                    two of us curled up in
our bed.   :)

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