Dear Friends,
I am coming out of lurkdome after a long 9 months. I am happy to finally
join the group again. I wanted to share briefly what I have been through in
the past 3/4 of a year.
I was an IBCLC who was lucky enough to have a baby who did not nurse. Yes,
you read correctly. I will preface this note saying that my baby is now 9
1/2 months and nurses beautifully- almost to the point where she has begun
to refuse even her bottle of pumped milk by the babysitter! Let me briefly
share some of what happened.
Rachel is my 5th kid, all 4 were breastfed (2years +). Born 3.300, natural
wonderful birth, latched on immediately and the first 24 hours was killing
me. No matter how I maneuvered the latch it still hurt. After 24 hours I
was bleeding and began only pumping. After two days of pumping, she
relatched. I was able to deal with the pain, but she was not transferring
milk. She did not stimulate a let down and even breast compression did not
help. At that point I became worried that there was an underlying medical
issue. She did the same thing with a bottle of pumped milk- she would look
like she was sucking, and then when you would take the bottle out after 10
minutes of sucking she would have eaten 10 cc. But to mix up the picture,
every once in a while she would do a perfect feed. There was never any
rhyme or reason as to when why or how. That made it incredibly frustrating-
not knowing what she would do each feed. So we tried to nurse- she either
latched but did not transfer normal amounts of milk or screamed and did not
latch- either way I had to pump and then give a bottle.
Thanks to all the IBCLC's here, my wonderful colleagues, who gave me support
and tried to figure out what was going on.
We went from doctor to doctor, and everyone said she looked great and
everything was fine. I almost began to feel that I was imagining things-
because things were so subtle. Whenever I thought she was improving, and
she fed a few times in 1 or two days, she would regress and then not latch
at all for 3 or 4 after that. She was gaining much less that my other
children, only 110g a week, and the other 4 gained at least 250. Everyone
told me she was just a petite type. I felt like I was putting in huge
efforts just to get that small weight gain.
At 2 months, I forced my doctor to do full blood work. He thought I was
nuts. Well, of course I was right.
It seems she had some sort of a virus- which caused her apathy towards
eating.
At around 10 weeks, she totally perked up and began eating with an appetite.
I also had been taking her to CST. I assumed she was getting over the
virus.
Even though her appetite perked up, it took her a very long time to get to
breastfeeding. I guess maybe at that point once she was eating fine from a
bottle it was partly habit.
Let me just say it was a long, and very slow, hard process. I pumped for 5
1/2 months. She began by nursing one feed a day or every other day, and
slowly built up. I never thought I would make it. Imagine the extra
emotional issues.
I felt if I could not even get my own baby to nurse, I was certainly
not suitable to help others.
It was taking a huge toll on my family but the thought of not succeeding
was horrifying. At one point my 10 year old daughter broke down and started
screaming "Just stop taking her to doctors, and Lactation Consultants- There
are more important things than if she nurses!"
I was embarrassed to go out and be seen with a bottle and pacifier. I
felt I had to pin a sign on my forehead "PUMPED MILK FOR NON-LATCHING BABY!"
People meant well but said the most hurtful things.."What, YOU with
nursing problems!" or "You can't even just help yourself?" or "I can't
believe I am seeing YOU with a bottle" Even when someone would say "At
least you will really be able to understand what moms are going through"- I
found that minimizing my difficulty - like thanks, I would have liked to
become a better LC any other way.
I could never calm her down at the breast. I could never nurse in public,
because I would never know what she would do and it took full concentration.
Forget public- I couldn't even do it around my own family members- because
she would not even try if there were other noises, etc.
One of the hardest things for me was not to know why she did what she did,
or have a reason it took her so long to get her act together when everything
else was fine.
What did I learn?
1. Her best feeds were when she waited a full 3-4 hours. I always fed
often with other children, but she HATED it when I offered breast or bottle
. I always thought when people told me that they were projecting what THEY
wanted to do onto their baby.
2. There is nothing in the world like a breastfeeding relationship. I
cherish every nursing session now. Bottles don't come close, even when you
are trying to do it skin to skin, etc.
3. Pumping every 3 hours is VERY hard to keep up, especially for a mom with
4 other kids. Give your clients lots of credit.
4. We cannot always give answers for everything. Sometimes it is just
being there to give support- Time is the only thing that will help. This is
still hard to accept.
5. She is a totally different size than my other kids. She is petite, but
gains exactly on her 3rd %. Small can be also cute, although it is still
hard to deal with. I was always proud of my FAT nursing babies. There can
be different types in one family.
6. When someone is emotionally involved, you lose all logic. I knew I was
not thinking straight at times, feeling rejected, like I *created* this
problem- but I still could not stop myself. I even wanted to get pregnant
again right away just to prove I really could nurse and it was not me! (now
that is not logical!)
7. You cannot be your own LC- I found that interesting. I guess like you
cannot be your own hair stylist. I did not want to be the one to analyze my
situation. I wanted someone else to take care of me and I wanted to be the
client. (Thanks again to all who went out of their way to help me)
These are some of the main points I have been wanting to share for a while.
I hope some of you can learn from some of them. I am happy to be back in
the swing of things, and I applaud us all for helping in such a valuable
profession. I was given the opportunity to be thankful each time I sit down
to nurse.
Sorry so long, and would love to hear any personal replies.
Jessica Billowitz, IBCLC
Israel
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