I have received an unbelievable amout of private email in response to my
post about unresolved, unexpressed grief. It strikes me that as a
profession, we "Helpers" are terrible at recognizing personal stress and
dealing with it. I count myself among the majority on this one.
I have learned about myself (thru the counseling) that when I am really
upset I just work harder. I guess because it keeps my painful feelings at a
distance, gives me something to do that makes me feel in control and I get
positive feedback for the accomplishments. However, when I keep those
feelings distant and don't get in touch with and express how I really am
feeling, I neglect to do the kinds of gentle things that might make me feel
better.
My therapist asked me: What do you do for fun? I couldn't think of one
single thing. I could remember that I used to think some things were fun,
but I couldn't come up with one thing that sounded fun to me right then. She
made me interview 5 people and ask them what THEY did for fun. As I did
that, I found myself thinking: Well, I don't think THAT sounds like fun,
and sort of through a process of exclusion I found myself remembering what I
used to do to relax. I realized I hadn't read a novel (except in an
airport) for over a year. I hadn't been to a movie. All I did was work.
So now I'm reading for pleasure every day, and walking a bit, and meditating
for a few min. in the morning. I'm going to lunch with friends a couple
times a month, and once every day I check in with my feelings. How do I
really feel today: angry, sad, lonely, worried, peaceful, tired, excited?
And it's amazing how just identifying my feelings has helped me do a better
job of taking care of myself.
I realize that some people reading this might think: Well, Duh, you pitiful
thing, but the problem is that when I get past the totally stressed mark, I
apparantly can't see it. As women and as care-providers, we usually aren't
as kind to ourselves as we are to others. I think this is self-destructive,
and I am going to stick with my therapist's assignment to do at least one
self-nurturing thing every day.
Several people confided that they have no money for private therapy (no
insurance, etc). Every city has support groups ranging from Al-Anon to
hospices with grief groups. A lot of these support groups are free, and
there is amazing help there as well.
Barbara Wilson-Clay BSEd, IBCLC
Austin Lactation Associates
http://www.lactnews.com
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