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Subject:
From:
Cynthia Good Mojab <[log in to unmask]>
Reply To:
Lactation Information and Discussion <[log in to unmask]>
Date:
Thu, 4 Apr 2002 09:10:00 -0800
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Grief is a very difficult process to experience--particularly in the US
(and other Western countries) and particularly with some losses. Many of us
have been trained throughout life to be independent and stoic by the
cultural beliefs and behaviors around us. When we lose a loved one to death
it may not be very long at all before others are expecting us to "get on
with life." They often don't realize that grieving is a healthy, normal,
and critical part of doing just that: it's how we learn to live again
without whatever or whomever we lost. Mothers who experience losses like
miscarriage, still birth, the birth of a child with a congenital disorder,
or the death of a baby may receive little support for their grief.
Well-intended people may say very hurtful things like, "You can always have
another baby" as though a lost baby is fully replaceable with another or as
though the loss of an expected vision of life and mothering and living
chronically with extraordinary challenges are easy things to deal with. I
would hazard to guess (and sincerely hope) that very few people would tell
a grieving widow or widower, "You can always have another spouse." Lack of
social support during grieving is one of the reasons that counseling can be
so beneficial--we get the much deserved chance to talk to someone who knows
how to listen to us express our grief without trying to make us (or
themselves) feel better. Feeling better tends to come on its own if we
could just have the chance to express our emotions of grief to the degree
that we need. Then there are losses that occurred years ago but for which
many people do not find the support and information to try to work through
until they are adults, such as the experience of childhood abuse. No
funeral or wake is held to acknowledge these losses, most in the family
deny it ever happened, and few ordinary folks would have any idea what to
say if they received an honest answer to "how are you?" if they asked it of
someone who is in the midst of trying to heal from an abusive childhood.
Then there are the many injustices and losses that so many face throughout
life due to racism, sexism, poverty, and violence. And the loss of a
breastfeeding relationship doesn't even make it onto most people's list of
acceptable things to grieve at all--yet that doesn't stop mothers from
experiencing this socially unacceptable grief. So, many of us are doing the
hidden work of grieving alone. It's exhausting, uses up much energy that
would have been available for other things, and may leave us distracted,
preoccupied, and downright depressed. Which is all the more reason to give
the families we work with--and each other--the benefit of the doubt, be
patient with them and each other, and reach out with kindness more often
than not. Our gentleness may be appreciated more than we'll ever know.

Cynthia

Cynthia Good Mojab, MS Clinical Psychology
Ammawell
Email: [log in to unmask]
Web site: http://home.attbi.com/~ammawell

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