Dear Anne,

On January 31, you wrote, <It was troubling to me to see how easy it was
for caregivers to become rivals with the parents for the child's
affection>

I thought you expressed the problem very well--who owns the baby? I've
seen the same thing too often over too many years of mother baby care in
different settings. I've been a home care nurse off and on for years and
have often wished maternity nurses, no matter what setting, were required
to do home visits to some degree. It does a great job of humbling us and
waking us to the fact that we're incidental to the real life of the
mother-father-baby. We can affect it greatly, and we have great
opportunity to do so. But when it comes down to it, they are the ones who
have to face each other every day and they will work things out their own
way, for better or worse. If only we were more aware of that fact, I
wonder if more of us would take good advantage of the brief contact we
are afforded.  More of making a difference, one family at a time.

We have such an opportunity to improve their experience by simply caring
and expressing the caring to them!  The one step further--that of
confirming their ownership of the baby, even on 'our' territory-- is
small but critical. Whether they are an uncomplicated postpartum case or
long term NICU, it's so easy to say, "How do you want to do this?" No
matter how complicated the case, there's some aspect of the infant's or
mother's care that they can 'own.'

I've heard so many nurses make remarks that suggest that they know better
than the parents what is good for the child. In most cases it's only true
in a medical sense, and that's all we have a right to 'own.'  In every
contact we should be actively looking for opportunities to confirm and
support the parent-infant relationship. It's wonderful to see the looks
on their faces when I say, "Look at how much you already know about this
baby. . .  ." That little bit of support encourages them to look further,
try again, stick with it.

I often wonder whether a large part of the problem is people who just
don't like what they're doing. I love what I do and love to see them
brighten up and hold the baby a little closer because of something I said
or did.

End of soapbox.

Kate Strachan, RN, MSN, IBCLC, former lurker
mother-baby home care nurse
part time LC for small hospital and in private practice
Outside Cleveland, where it's interminably gray but not frozen for the
moment!