Dear all:

I could be completely off with my physiological description (I've had too many 
biochemistry courses and my brain has rebelled and I forget even the basics now) but I'm 
thinking that one could talk to partners about oxytocin deficit.  If she doesn't drain her 
breasts she won't get the release of oxytocin to make her relax.  If you do the bottle at 
night so she can sleep a longer stretch, she won't be able to sleep as deeply and she may 
become more irritable.

As for a mother snapping, I have seen it many a time.  There is a look that they get 
where you know if you don't or someone else in the family doesn't do EXACTLY WHAT 
SHE WANTS AT THAT MOMENT, she will melt down.  Haven't had that moment myself 
when my son was four days old and I spilled a whole glass of water down my nightgown 
and shattered glass all over the floor, I am now glad that there were no weapons in the 
room when my husband decided he would pick up all the pieces of glass one by one with 
a paper towel while I stood shivering in my wet nightgown surrounded by glass all around 
my bare feet with my son screaming his head off.  He looked at me blankly when I said 
"GET THE BROOM NOW!" I think it was our biggest fight ever.  I've often had to be the 
mediator of tension between mothers and baby nurses or doulas.  A diplomatic process 
that I find exceedingly challenging.  

In terms of men, I'm wondering if it is because they are more used to the typical female 
form of requests where we are more indirect.  Most of us will ask something like, "it 
would be great if you could.....  while men will just tell you to do it. Perhaps they don't 
hear the transition from the former to the commander in chief we become after the birth 
of our children.

The absolute rock bottom worst misinterpretation I ever saw was one of the nicest dads I 
ever met. I really tried to signal him with my eyes that he should really do what his wife 
said, but he was cheerfully oblivious.  The mom had an old dog that she had dearly loved.  
In the postpartum state with her overly engorged breasts, she could not stand the dog 
and found the dog's barking unbearable.  She told him three times to take the dog out.  
He first cheerfully took the dog in the kitchen.  Tried to feed the dog.  Petted the dog.  
Finally the mom exploded and told him to shoot the dog.  I know in my heart of hearts 
she really truly meant it at that moment.  Fortunately, he took the dog out and between 
the baby and a little pumping we were able to get the milk out of her breasts and she 
was able to relax and even pet her dog.

I think that response is built into us so that we do command attention.  What can be more 
important that protecting our infants?  And we often have to rely on others in the 
postpartum state.  So it makes sense to me that in crises we become complete and total 
dictators willing to shoot the enemy if we don't get what we want.

Best, Susan Burger

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