Hi all,

Thought you'd get a kick out of this one.

Aloha,
Gloria Thai  LLLLeader Hawai'i

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>: This is a super piece, feel free to share it on the
>: net, but give everyone our addresses.
>:
>: >From The Compleat Mother, October 97 issue,
>: RR#3 Clifford, Ontario Canada N0G 1M0        56 pages, sample $4
>: 519-327-8785
>: email : [log in to unmask]
>:
>:       The Thing
>:                                                             by Janis
>Honea
>:
>:
>: On another planet, a  young man was preparing  for his first sexual
>encounter.  He was nervous,
>: since he had never spoken to anyone who had ever  done it
successfully.
> He decided to ask
>: some of his friends about their experiences.
>:    "I really wanted to!" exclaimed one, but my doctor said my penis
was
>too small."
>:     "Really!" interrupted another.  "My doctor said  mine was too
large!"
>:     "I wanted to too, but it turns out I didn't have enough to satisfy
>her." said another.
>:     "I never wanted to! Its so gross! I'd feel like an animal or
>something.  I know they say that
>: penis is best, but all  mine were artificially aroused and they were
>happy and satisfied," said
>: the oldest in the group.
>:      "Haven't you been divorced seven times?" asked the young  man.
>:      "Yes, but that had nothing to do with it." he said.
>:      "I hear you need to toughen it up before you do it.  You know,
scrub
>it with a loofah or
>: something." said one friend.
>:       "And you can't let her go for any longer than a couple of
minutes
>at first, or you'll get sore."
>:       "My cousin said it was incredibly painful.   He penis cracked
and
>bled.  He only lasted a
>: couple of days.   Thank God we have alternatives today," said the
friend
>who was "too small."
>:       "I have a friend who did it," said one,  almost whispering.  "It
>seemed like a lot of work to
>: me.  Every time I talked to him it seemed like he had just finished or
>was just about to make
>: love to his wife.   I told him surely she was not being satisfied or
she
>wouldn't be wanting it
>: again so soon.   I told him he needed to supplement with a vibrator.
He
>wouldn't go for it."
>:      "Well, I really think  I want to try." said the young man.
>:      "Good for you!" said his "too big" friend.   "But be sure you
get
>her on a schedule or she
>: will manipulate you."
>:      The young man was so confused as he left he decided to ask his
>physician about it.
>:      "I understand your concern." said his doctor, placing a hand on
his
>shoulder.   A lot of
>: men, especially our first timers are unable to meet their women's
needs
>with their penises.
>: Taking classes, reading books, doesn't seem to help.   Despite all
their
>best efforts, many men
>: just can't.   Its called insufficient penis syndrome.  I know you want
to
>try, and I think that is
>: great, but let me send you home with this vibrator just in case.
Look,
>its bent, or angled to
>: insure that you do her in a semi-upright position."
>:
>:      The young man gratefully took the vibrator home and thought about
>all the things he had
>: heard.   When the time finally came he was determined to do it
naturally.
>:
>:       He was excited and nervous. He tried to do everything right.
He
>watched the clock
>: and stopped after exactly the prescribed period of time.   The event
was
>a humiliating failure.
>: His woman was frustrated and upset.  He couldn't understand it.   He
had
>done everything
>: he was told to do.
>:
>:       His honey told him she loved him and that his touch was
sufficient,
>and together they
>: would learn to get it right, but the next time she seemed interested
he
>thought,  "Just this
>: once I'll  use the vibrator.   I can't stand the thought of her going
>unsatisfied.
>:
>:       No one had warned him of the danger of penis confusion. Soon she
>developed a preference
>: for the vibrator and rejected the penis altogether.   In a way, he
>preferred it too.  If he needed
>: to get away sometimes, anyone could satisfy her.   And though he heard
he
>should hold her
>: every time to promote bonding, it got easier and easier to prop her in
>the corner  with the
>: vibrator while he went about doing his chores.
>:
>:       It was important for him to keep busy. If allowed time to feel,
he
>always felt vaguely
>: cheated and sad.   Being a lover was not at all what he had hoped.  He
>wanted to get away
>: from his wife.   He resented her demands and felt inadequate to meet
her
>needs.   The
>: closeness that he longed for never developed.
>:
>:       One day he got up the courage to ask his friend for the phone
>number of the man he
>: knew who "did it."  Hi," said the young man.    "I got your number
from a
>friend. I would
>: like some information on lovemaking.   I wasn't able to with my first
>love and if I ever have
>: another,  I really want to make love to her myself."
>:
>:      "How old is your relationship?" asked the man on the phone.
>:      "Just a few months," said the young man sadly.
>:      "Would you like to make love to your wife now? Its not too late!"
>said the man.
>:      "Do you really think I could?" asked the young man.  He felt
hopeful
>for the first time in
>: ages.  They talked for some time and the man invited him to a La Cosa
>League meeting.
>: (La Cosa is Spanish for The Thing, and slang for penis.)  La Cosa
League
>was a group
>: dedicated to providing support and information to men who wanted to
make
>love to their
>: women.    He was amazed at how many men were doing it and  was
>encouraged by men
>: who had overcome many obstacles to successfully satisfy their wives.
>:      "What do I need to do?" the young man asked, wide-eyed and
>determined.
>:       "The first thing you need to do, is get rid of the vibrator.
The
>young man did not know
>:  how to respond.  A rock of nerves formed in the pit of his stomach.
"I
>couldn't possibly..."
>:       "Now your woman may object a bit, but persevere.  She will
quickly
>become accustomed
>: to the feel of your body."
>:       "What if I can't satisfy her?" the young man asked.
>:       The leader assured him that even if it took a while, with
practice
>he should have no trouble.
>:       "Well, how often, and for how long?"
>:       "Take your cues from her," responded one of the men. "Watch your
>wife, not the clock."
>:       His mind reeled as he drove home. He thought over all the things
he
>had heard.  How
>: come no one had ever told him this before?  It seemed so radical, but
>somehow it felt right.
>:       At first his woman was not interested at all in switching. She
>protested when he offered
>: her the penis.   Refused it cold. But with patience and persistence
she
>eventually accepted it.
>: He was amazed that once she took it,  she did not seem to want to let
go.
>  He had never been
>: so elated in his whole life.  He had done it!   He had made love to
his
>wife!  With his own body!
>:       The next time his wife requested the vibrator he gently and
>lovingly offered the penis again.
>:  She fussed some but quickly accepted him.  He was even more excited
than
>the first time.  He
>: had worried then that it was a lucky fluke, but now he believed  he
>really could do it.   To his
>: delight, his wife never asked for the vibrator again.
>:
>:      The transformation in his attitude toward his wife was
remarkable.
>He no longer resented
>: midnight lovemaking sessions. He felt a bond with her like he had
never
>known.   He didn't
>: want other people satisfying her, and he didn't want to get away.  His
>attitude about himself
>: also changed.   He felt so confident and calm.   He was not
inadequate,
>and he was not
>: replaceable.   He hurt when he thought of all the men who didn't know
>what he knew.  He felt
>: even sorrier for their women.   As he watched his wife thrive on his
love
>alone his enthusiasm
>: for lovemaking grew harder and harder to contain.   One day while
talking
>with his old friends
>: someone brought up the latest advancement in vibrators.  They
blithely
>discussed the merits
>: of the latest tool when he excitedly blurted, "We've thrown ours
away."
>:
>:      The room fell silent.
>:
>:      "What?" asked the friend with the "too small" penis.  "We've
thrown
>the vibrator away"
>: he said again.
>:      "Well what do you use then?" asked the friend with the "too
large"
>penis.
>:        "I make love to her myself," he said.
>:        "Why would you want to go and do something like that?"
>:        "Doesn't it hurt?"
>:        "You'll  be sorry."
>:        "Oh No! You haven't been hanging around with those fanatics
from
>La Cosa League,
>:         have you?" asked  his friend who "could not."
>:        "They aren't fanatics," the young man said calmly. "They gave
me a
>lot of good
>: information and I'm very happy with my decision.
>:         The men burst out laughing. "Next thing you know, he is going
to
>stop shaving,"
>:  joked the divorced one.
>:        "Oh! Or letting her sleep in his bed." roared another.
>:        "You've really done it now,"  said the "too small" one,
sobering
>up.  "What are you going
>: to do if you have to leave her for a while?  And you'd better hope she
>doesn't start biting!"
>:        "Be prepared to give up your life. warned the divorced one.
>:        "Your brain is going to turn to oatmeal."
>:        The young man thought carefully about that and smiled to
himself.
> He didn't feel like
>: he was giving up anything, especially in the light of all he had
gained.
>:        "You know," he said, "I think I like it as much as she  does."
>:        "Boy, You really are a radical."
>:
>: Janice Honea lives in Carson City, Nevada
>:
>