Trish,

I think it's awesome that you are wanting to make the effort to get your
20 month old to nurse.  I wish some of your enthusiasm could be bottled
and given to those moms who only give lip service to breastfeeding and
are looking for an excuse to stop before the baby is born.

Your desire to get your son to accept the breast again is very
understandable (but probably only to those who have nursed a child or
been totally dedicated to the experience).  Every pregnant mom has an
image of her birth experience and her baby before birth, which requires
some altering and grieving for when the experience doesn't fit that
image.  You had an image of what you wanted your breastfeeding
experience to be like and you started out having that experience.  Then
that dreamed of experience was greatly altered and interrupted by your
son's problems.  Being able to nurse him now would be a marvelous way to
recapture some of what was missed and an ideal way to help you resolve
your grief for the missed experience you had dreamed of.  In addition, I
suspect he's so darned cute  he sparks all those warm mothering
instincts.

We often tell an adoptive nursing mom or a mom with previous breast
reduction to concentrate on the relationship with the amount of milk
baby gets at breast being a "bonus".  Approaching it with total
breastfeeding as the goal/standard may mean the mom doesn't fully
appreciate the amount of breastfeeding she is able to acomplish.  In
your case, I wonder if looking to getting him back to breastfeeding may
be similar.  If you can manage to concentrate on being close to him,
being by the breast (feeding or not) and appreciating how far he has
come, it will go a long way.  Just be careful not to look only at a
specific target-accept what you can accomplish.  Being able to snuggle
him next to you can help make up for some of what you've lost.  I'm not
trying to belittle your attempts or desire to get him nursing, just
trying to help you focus on where you are and how far you've come, not
just where you'd like to be.

Here's a "far out" thought.  It sounds like you're giving him expressed
breast milk.  Have you ever tried expressing the milk into a cup in fron
of him and then giving it to him  with the cup?  I'm thinking of it
being done casually, not a "Watch this, kiddo" approach.  Maybe if he
notices where it comes from he might get a notion to try getting it
directly.  If not, you will certainly be giving him the freshest
possible milk!

Again, many "rah, rahs" for your dedication to your son what you've been
able to acomplish.  I'm glad he's doing so well.  I sympathize with what
you went through with his aversion to touch.  Our oldest had a degree of
autism one of the first indications of which was his rejecting hugs and
cuddling.  It's hard for a mom to find her strongest insticts (to cuddle
her child) are making the child unhappy or even causing him some pain.
Thanks for sharing this expereince with us and do keep us posted on how
he is doing.

Winnie

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