THE COLONIAL'S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING GRAMOPHONE MAGAZINe REVIEWS

   The American record buyer who makes purchases in reliance upon reviews
   published in that redoubtable British periodical, Gramophone, is
   often surprised by the difference between what is heard and what has
   been read.  This list of oft-used phrases and their actual meanings
   may serve to alleviate this problem:

   1. "Sir Adrian conducts a (pick one) deeply felt/noble/heartfelt
        performance."
   Translation: Sir Adrian's pacemaker crapped out during the slow
   movement.

   2. "...despite occasional lapses in ensemble..."
   Translation: The French Horns missed 8 entrances.

   3. "I find myself returning again and again to the Barbirolli."
   Translation: It's the only performance I own.

   4. "The recording is top-drawer."
   Translation: The performance sucks.

   5. "The performance is all one could wish for."
   Translation: The recording sucks.

   6. "Bernstein certainly is a little willful in the scherzo."
   Translation: Lenny now holds the world's indoor land speed record for
   this movement.

   7. "Despite Klemperer's choice of expansive tempi, the rhythms are
   well-sprung."
   Translation: This is the slowest performance on record, but they get
   most of the dotted eighths and sixteenths.

   8. "The performance of (insert name of comely young artist) pleased me
   not a little."
   Translation: The (pick one) bimbo/hunk put out for me.

   9. "Karajan's traversal is somewhat erratic."
   Translation: Herbie's been senile since 1978.

   10. "Overall the performance works well."
   Translation: They finished together.

   11. "EMI currently plans on reissuing only Sir Thomas' most treasured
   recordings."
   Translation: If Sir Thomas so much as farted near a microphone, they'll
   release it on a 2 CD set at full price.

   12. "I was much taken with the gorgeously mellow brass."
   Translation: These wimps are gutless wonders who couldn't play
   fortissimo if their lives depended on it.

   13. "He brings a youthful freshness of approach and spontaneity to the
   score which infuses new life into this much-hackneyed warhorse."
   Translation: The new conductor is British.

   14. "His lack of experience, alas, is only evident in the finale."
   Translation: The new conductor is American.

   15. "Rattle knows exactly what he wants."
   Translation: Unfortunately, nobody else does. Especially the orchestra.

   16. "It is common knowledge that Mehta's relationship with (insert
   name of British orchestra) has been stormy."
   Translation: (pick one)
   a) They keep calling him 'Gunga Din'
   b) The lads can't bear playing for someone who, a hundred years ago,
   would have been a water boy for the Bengal Lancers.

   17. "His credentials are impressive."
   Translation: His talent is non-existent.

   18. "The performance is stunning."
   Translation: Not to say shocking.

   19. "Dame Kiri's diction is impeccable."
   Translation: Not bad for someone whose second cousins are still
   headhunters.

   20. "As always, (insert name of dead British artist) was a paragon of
   good taste."
   Translation: Boooooring.....

   21. "His account of the famous solo passage in the third movement is
   unforgettable."
   Translation: Because he comes in three bars early.

Kevin Sutton