There are numerous features which can ruin a recording.  For me, the most
effective method is to play, sing, or conduct a work with willful disregard
for the time period that the work was composed in.  The All-Wrong CD Awards
pay tribute to those artists who, in effect, took a ride on the time
machine and purposely got off at the wrong station.

The winners are:

1.  The Playing All-Wrong Award - This handsome trophy and $50 gift
certificate for tuning services goes proudly to the Talich Quartet for
their recordings of the Mozart string quartets.  After years of study and
practice, the Talich perfected the anti-Mozart string tone, a tone which
renders Mozart a composer of "molasses" music.  One of the members of the
Talich is reported to have said, " Wait till you see what we do with the
Elliott Carter string quartets."

2.  The Singing All-Wrong Award - A week's supply of ostentatious clothing
and a $100 gift certificate to the Arthur Murray Dance Studio goes to
Bryn Terfel for his crooning on the Handel Aria disc conducted by Charles
Mackerras.  When Terfel was apprised of the award, he looked very confused.
It turns out that he thought he was singing Gounod's Romeo and Juliette.

3.  The Conducting All-Wrong Award - The $300 gift certificate to the hair
salon of his choice goes to Stowkowski for his recordings of Bach.  When
asked if he played Bach as if he was Tchaikovsky, Stokie claimed to have a
photograph of the two composers engaging in an intimate musical discussion.
"They were soul mates, and I just wanted to highlight the connection."
Commentators noted that Stokie mananged to butcher a composer and receive
nothing but praise and legendary status - a true coup which might never
be repeated.

For next year we will be adding a fourth award, the All-Wrong Gender Award.
A number of artists will be postponing their sex-change operations to have
a chance in this category.  As one record company executive said, "we
salute homosexual artists and lesbian artists.  It's about time we pay
homage to transvestite artists." The prize will be a $1,000 gift
certificate for counseling services with Dr.  Laura who agreed to provide
the therapy on the condition that the client's next recording be dedicated
to her.

Don Satz
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